Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Ever since baby dropped in my late 31st week I have been in quadruple the amount of pain I was in previous. Let's just say I was already suffering before so if there's any real way to explain my situation now it's #&)&)_%!&)*_!&)&@_#!!!!!!!!!! Walking is barely an option anymore. Sitting... sigh... I move around more than a stripper on stage. Laying, HA! That's about all I have to say about that. It's the worst, most painful thing you can possibly do with SPD. Trying to turn over feels like someone put hooks in your pubic parts and is pulling you by them. You can't put a pillow between your legs (to help with my slipped disc problem) because any more separation of the pubic bones than absolutely necessary makes the pain worse.
How else can I try to describe it??? It feels like your pelvic bone is broken in a few pieces and you aer being forced to live without having them heal. The ligaments are mush and nothing, literally nothing, is holding your weight or the baby's extra weight. Gravity is your enemy. Even getting in the pool doesn't help like you'd think because the water makes your tummy bouyant and pulls the belly up away from the pubic part which is painful. And getting out of the water feels like your bottom half is made of solid lead and the world is trying to push your pelvis 10 feet into the ground.
Needless to say I'm not getting a lot of sleep and I cry several times a day because it's just so frustrating to be in this kind of pain all day and not being able to relieve it. Even tho warm water helps; tanding in the shower and sitting in the tub is painful. The heating pad offers little; mostly just sweat. Sitting on my stay ball has even become uncomfortable because baby beats up the pubic parts anytime I'm not completely stretched out. It's become difficult to sit with. She is very low and feels lodged in the bones which she hits a lot. Her kicks have become extremely powerfull also and I cringe all day long from those too.
I am not cut out for this. I hate it that I can't enjoy being pregnant like I should. I have to face facts; God did not have a very good mold for me when he gave me a uterus and said this one will be a girl. It shouldn't surprise me too much I guess. My mother had horrible pregnancies and my kid sister followed in her footsteps both times now. It has been somewhat comforting to share this with my sister tho. She has been horribly sick and has had the SPD for a while now too. All I can say is I know it will be over soon but it doesn't feel like soon enough right now. Baby #2 is not going to be planned for quite some time :(
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Wow I wish I had something better to report. I guess this is more of a vent for the new things that have been happening. I'm really hoping that her recent movement is a sign for a quick future. I would give a lot for her to make her debut in about 4 weeks but I know she will come when she's ready. Needless to say, mommy is ready.
I am trying to get Nick on the bandwagon to understanding my need for labor support. I can tell he's not completely ok with having someone he doesn't know there when our baby is born. I am going to rent The Business of Being Born for him to watch so maybe he can see and hear it from a different perspective. The last thing I want is for him to be uncomfortable for the biggest moment of his life. But I really need someone there that 'gets it'. I need the attention that he's not educated enough to give me. I need someone who has been thru it all before. A girl. A voice of reason so I can focus on me and my body instead of everything around me.
I was very confident about getting thru labor naturally before I had such a rough past 8 months. Now, I need that confidence to come from someone else when I lose it. I know at this point I will be very worn out and quick. I haven't been able to exercise and prepare my body for what it will be facing. My SPD has limited me to less than routine activities and being sick has made me not want to think about anything else but making that go away. I need this and I wish I could get him to understand that. I know that from talking to him about my needs is not getting thru to him. When I tell him what a doula does he gives me the blank stare. When I tell him they help me birth the baby he acts like I just said I was going to hop on a plane to Hawaii. He's a man and doesn't get it. I just wish he would try to get this.
O the list of worries that seem to be piling up on me... I know I can't please everyone but I need to do what's good for me and baby too.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
So I finally get there and put my dress on in the parking lot! Yep, I did it lol. By the time everyone was settled and we knew Nick was in place everything just came together. I mean what was really left to screw up after that? ;) Anyway, I didn't think I'd feel the nervous jitters but I got them right after the flowers girls started walking. It was a great feeling. I think if you don't have that then there's no excitement to the moment or the whole meaning of the amount of devotion you are about to give. I don't remember that feeling so much with my first husband. I don't know what to think of that... Also, only about half the number of people I thought would be there were. So I drove myself insane worrying about accomodating everyone when I didn't need to. Grrr.
I will say that the vows my aunt (she married us) created could not have been said better. She made me cry and even Nick!!!! I was in awe over this. They were very personal and very deep. Not the traditional lines or anything anyone has ever heard before. They were really awesome. Our kiss was pretty great too! It felt a lot more emotional than anything we shared in a long time. After that we did tons of photos and very much enjoyed doing them which is unusal for Nick. I had one of my best friends fly all the way from North Carolina to be my photographer! Dawn and her husband are one of the top notch professionals in their area and I couldn't have asked for a better gift. It was amazing to meet her finally. We met years ago on What To Expect and share so much in common. It was an absolute joy to meet her little miracle Greyson. He was just too cute and such a wonderful baby. I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to have them there and so thankful that she would have offered such a thing to us. I can't say enough great things about them. I miss them. A lot! I never thought I could form a bond so strong just through chatting on the internet and phone. When they got here it was like I had known them forever. I can't wait to spend time with them again. I was a little heart broken when they had to leave.
On top of all her wonderful givings, she did a maternity shoot for me while she was here. The couple pics she gave me to tide me over until she has time to go through all the others are so breath taking. I was, and still am, absolutely speechless at how beautiful she made me and made me feel. I'll post a few pics of the wedding and then make another post for the maternity shoot. I can't wait to see all the gorgeous photos from 2 very special days. I can't thank her enough for what she has done and being the kindest, sweetest person I've ever known.
On an end note... things have been really great for a while now after our big day. My new husband seems a little more caring and loving. He has been a little less cranky even on his 20 hour work days. It's nice to have a piece of him back that I thought I lost. I know now that things will be even better once our daughter is here. That is a moment I simply cannot wait for; when I get to see him hold his baby girl for the first time. I know he's going to cry like a little girl and it's a memory that will stick in my mind forever =]
Thursday, November 11, 2010
But my bestie has told me that the belly suits me so I'm thankful for her lol. Here's my 'huge' belly at 30 weeks. The one that is apparently carrying more than 1 baby that I don't know about ;)
My nausea and vomiting seem to be coming back with a mission. I have been doing pretty well with it for the last month. My weight has stayed steady at 215 for the last 3 weeks or so until this week, I dropped 4 lbs. I should be happy about it, but of course my first emotion was concern. My appetite has decreased a lot and we're back to nothing sounding appealing. I feel like I was lied to when someone told me pregnancy was all about eating and enjoying eating lol. I feel jipped! I'm back to thinking about my first meal after she is born. I am happy to say tho that I've only gained about 12-14 lbs. My heart burn has gotten more frequent. Nothing seems to set it off but cereal is my only savior when it comes to getting me thru the night and back to sleep.
Sleep. That's a whole nother story. More like a night mare as it is probably the most unenjoyable time for me. Laying down is so painful and even more uncomfortable. I can no longer prop myself up because the pelvic pain is too intense. Therefore the heart burn really seeps up the pipes. The pelvic pain I can't even put in words. I just have to stare at the floor and shake my head. The sleep is sparse and makign the fatigue incredible on top of the regular 3rd trimester joys. The hernia, thankfully, has not gotten worse. There's one plus, if you can call it that. My back pain has increased with the weight and size of the belly. This includes the sciatic pain. The blows from baby girl have become pretty uncomfortable and even painful at times. My feet are swollen a good portion of the time. The RLS adds to the no sleep. The bladder kicks are painful. Feels like a horrible UTI. I have my first stretch mark starting and I'm hoping it doesn't get too bad and that I dont' get too many more. I've done real well so far tho. 7 months before it showed it's ugly self. I have at least 3 cavities, my face is starting to break out and my hair needs to be washed 2x a day. I'm sure I'm forgetting things but now I'm too tired of complaining to even write anymore about them!
So there is part of my book that I will one day write. It'll be called "The Truth About Pregnancy - what they don't tell you in health class" HA HA. I keep saying I would be the perfect person to keep teens from getting pregnant! Let's just face it; I wasn't built like the Duggar woman!! And needless to say, I'm very ready to meet my little girl. But not too soon. I'd be ok with another 7 weeks, 8 if she must lol. I am just praying I don't go over my 40. Please!
On a happy note... I'm getting married in less than 10 days!! I'm super excited as we've tried to plan this before and had to put it off. I went overboard with things and hurt us a bit financially but I knew I'd regret another quicky wedding. I feel like I've been given a second chance to do it and I wanted to do it better this time. Guests, a cake, the whole deal. It just didn't stay as small or as inexpensive as I planned. I will just be adding it to my 'Make up to Nick one day' list lol. I'm so lucky to have him and so thankful that he gives me everything. It may come with a smart-ass, sarcastic mouth at times but that's the least I can expect for giving me so much lol. He's good to me when it matters most and that's enough to know how much he loves me :) Can't wait to post pics!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I knew pregnancy would never be 'easy' for me but I never fathomed it would be this hard for me either :( But I wouldn't give up ONE second of it if it meant losing my sweet, perfect baby girl! I would do this again and so much more. (But please God don't take that as me saying I can take more because I really, reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllyyyyyyy can't lol).
Again everyone, I just wanted you to know that I appreciate the time you take to read about my baby girl and I. I hope everyone is doing wonderful. Big hugs and kisses!
Let me know what you all think!!
I'm a lady bug! =D (the pumpkin is too traditional)
My hubby the Henchman
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I was really let down by some friends and family tho. I was upset that no one but a select few had the decency to call my mom and RSVP to let her know if they would be coming or not. My family wasn't there. My grandfather got sick last minute and my aunt and uncle just had better things to do. My aunt Barb and aunt Mary were there and that meant a lot. It was disappointing to know how few friends I have. It seems that everyone who would have truely made the effort is hundreds of miles away :(
The few family and my one friend who did attend made it very worth it tho. I'm thankful to have these people in my life and in Gianna's life. Grandma outdid herself. Thank you Grandma!
I never thought I would make it this far and the feeling is just too much. I made it to my own baby shower this time! What a day for me =D
Thursday, September 30, 2010
On another wonderful note: Daddy finally felt her kick! 9/27. He had seen the kicks a few days earlier and I was surprised she gave him a hard enough one because she is going thru another quiet and growing phase. She is really active for a few days and then gets quiet for a few more. I feel little nudges and rolls but no really strong kicks. Then out of nowhere she gets really active and kicks like a crazy baby! This is the only part I'm going to miss about being pregnant. It hasn't been an easy or totally enjoyable ride and I plan on spending a lot of time with our little nugget when she's here.
I have been having some sugar problems (at least that's what I think they are). I'm hoping to pass my glucose tolerance test in a couple weeks. Thinking my hypoglycemia has become sensitive after months of puking and hormones. I am praying that I don't get gestational diabetes. Scares me and I so have enough problems :( I still can't wait till Jan gets here and she is ready to come out. I'm very anxious to have her here and to feel like a normal person again. I love you baby but I'm very ready to meet you so don't get too comfy in there.
Me at 24 weeks =D
Friday, September 24, 2010
It was very emotional for me, more than usual anyway. I cried like a baby when I saw her moving. She was doing all kinds of cute stuff and we even got to see her wiggle her piggies. It was all precious. Chunky butt weighs in at 1 pound 7 ozs already! Hope this isn't a prelude to how big she is going to be at birth lol. I'm hopinh for something in the 7 pound range and daddy thinks he's funny to pool in her weight with 8 pounds! So NOT funny daddy! The dr said that all is going great and we can stop worrying. This will probably be my last u/s for a long time unless they want to check on baby again. I am so thankful for all the time and attention they have given to my sweet girl. Finally someone takes my little bundle seriously after all my losses and heart ache. It's sad that I had to lose my son for them to pay close attention to me but I appreciate him even more for that. So as mommy, I will try to enjoy the rest of my time with Gianna as much as I can. At least I can relax about things.
Although the enjoyment part may have to come after she's born. Mommy is still puking and the nausea is still bad at times. The bloody noses, headaches, boob pain, heart burn, tummy stretching and general feeling of uncomfort are relentless. To top it off I have a pretty nasty sinus cold, courtesy of the hubs being around germy people at his day time job. I also would put money on it that I have at least three cavities. I've only ever had one my whole life and have always taken good care of my teeth. And everyone knows how awful tooth aches are. I also still have immense pain in the groin and my hips are still out of whack. The pain of lying in bed at night is intolerable. Needless to say I am very anxious to meet this little lady already, but not too soon :) Looking forward to next week very much!!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Other than being amazingly happy about our halfway mark I hate to report I am still puking and having a lot of nausea. It has gotten a lot better but man oh man I really wish it would go the hell away already. I also have a horrible pelvic problem. It started when I first got pregnant around 6 weeks. I had this awful pulled-muscle feeling in... well... my vajayjay area lol. Come to find out it was a condition called PSD or Pubis Symphasis Dysfunction and would only get worse because nothing was done about it. So as the days go on it hurts more and more to sit, stand, walk, lay down... pretty much do anything. My pelvis is separated and the ligaments that hold everything together are mush. I have very little support and the bigger the baby gets the worse the pain will be. I'm hoping to find a way to manage it on my own since the drs don't want to listen or be bothered about this. Thank God I have my WTE girls and have found that I am not the only one who has had this before. I knew I wasn't crazy before but thankfully I have some back up to this haha.
I am up about 2 or 3 lbs which I think is great for 20 weeks. It never stays up or down because the vomiting makes it flucuate alot. But for now we are doing good about that. the kicks and moves have gotten stronger and much more frequent. I am loveing every single second of feeling her move!! It's just amazing and they even startle me when she gives me a really good pop! It's so much fun to try and figure out what is her arm, feet, head, etc. I just really can't wait till her daddy can feel her. We have to work on that lol. All in all things are fantastic and I couldn't be more thankful for my little girl :)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I had a horrible panic attack when it hit me that we lost B just a day before and I had this overwhelming feeling of "I'm going to lose my little girl". I felt like if something horrible was going to happen that moment right there was going to be it. Once I calmed down and could breathe again I had to tell myself that he's not going to let anything happen to his little sister. We are already so much farther with testing and her size that it seemed silly to be upset at all. But when I thought about my little boy I just died a little. It's so hard to be joyous and excited about Gianna when I miss my baby boy so much. But I know I need to give her all of what I couldn't give him and now everyday I try to put that into how I feel. She deserves me to be the happiest mommy ever. She is giving me everything that I lost with Beldon and I need to be thankful for that and not dwell on my loss.
And a HUGE P.S. - I felt my first kicks after my appt!!!!!!. I think that was GiGi was telling mommy she was there and that she was ok :)
Saturday, July 31, 2010
But like I said, we are elated to be having a daughter!!! Her name will be Gianna Marie and daddy and I call her GiGi (or miss GiGi) for a nickname. I will totally admit I like girl clothes better than boy clothes and I'm so thrilled I get to buy frilly dresses :) My biggest joy will be seeing Nick with his baby girl. I know he will be so protective of her and it means so much to me because I never had that from my father. I adored him but he wasn't my protector and I want my little girl to have that more than anything. A mother to be there to talk about boys and girl problems that only a mommy understands, but a father to play rough with and to teach her all about football and cars and fishing. I want her to be into everything possible and luckily that was something I did get from my father. There is just nothing sweeter in the world for a mother to witness than a daddy and his baby girl wrapped safely in his big arms. I cry just thinking about it.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I will not see the dr for another week or so but the test results came back with NO FLAGS! This means I did not screen high risk for anything. I should be throwing the biggest party in the world, I know, but this was just the top of the hill. I still have to make it all the way down without falling. They will do one more set of tests in a few weeks and then a detailed u/s. If we clear these 2 humps I cannot imagine any reason I will not hear the cries of my newborn baby in less than 6 months :) Everyone has told me to sit back, relax and just enjoy the rest of this, but until that baby is safe in my arms sitting back is not an option. Relaxing? Well I'm going to try to do a little more of that. I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my mind and heart. I feel confident which is something I never felt with Beldon.
After such a long journey it still seems like a far away dream for me to be holding that little bundle. I still can't seem to get it to sink in that I will feel kicks and hiccups in a few weeks. That I will get to see my baby grow and get to know pink or blue! I will get to watch my belly grow and daddy can feel the baby move for the first time. Just writing it out seems like a fantasy. It's been a dream for so long I don't know how to feel any other way about it. Have you ever dreamed about something for so long, something that felt out of reach, and then have it right there in front of your face?? You really just don't know what to do with it! It will hit me soon enough I'm sure but for now I will go to sleep and keep dreaming of the day I get to hold my beautiful, healthy baby in my arms.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
I can still picture how I would have painted his nursery; the outfit I would have chosen to bring him home in. I can picture holding him and even imagine the joy that I would have felt when he cried for the first time. I would have picked out his daddy's nose and my long eyelashes. I would have held him close and breathed in his sweet baby smell. I would have watched his father hold him in awe and that single tear roll down his face. I would tell him how much I loved him and how long daddy and me waited for this moment. But all that will remain the dream it always was. I will never get to see my son like that. I will never get to see life in him. Never get to see his eyes open wide or hear his voice. I'll never get to smell his skin or change his diapers. The nevers hurt so much more than I thought.
I held my baby without life for a brief moment. I wish I would have at least gotten to see his face. I wish he had been plump and beige, not thin and red. I can't get over the wishes, the nevers, the cant's. But I thank you sweet baby, for giving me the gift you've given. The wishes, nevers and cant's that I will now get to have will never replace you, but I promise to pour every ounce of love I have for you into this new life. I promise to be a better mother, mentor and friend because of the gift you have given me. The strength to be these things is only because of you. You've given me the greatest gifts in the world. I can never give enough back to you. Mommy loves you and I will never forget one moment I had with you.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I had the worst experience last week with a laxative and thought I was going to die - literally. I took some "gentle, over-night relief in 6-12 hours" pill and laid down for a nap. MY ASS gentle, overnight relief! (No pun intended). Little did I know I would be awaken an hour later to the most awful pains in my back and a horrible cold sweat. I threw myself in the bathroom and just moaned in pain while I borke into a freezing sweat and went pale and dizzy. I was alone and seriously contemplated dialing 911. I was scared to death I was haveing back labor pains and would miscarry. That's how bad this was. 20 mins later Nick came home and didn't have a clue what to do as I begged him to help make the pain stop. He suggested a bath which I threw myself into and provided no relief at all. So 40 mins pass and the pain subsides enough so I can stop rolling around on the floor moaning in pain. I lay down in bed covered in sweat and fall asleep.
I awoke 2 hours later to a slightly less painful reoccurence of the first scene. Another hour later finally went. It was awful all together. I vowed never to take another one probably for the rest of my life but definitely not while I was pregnant. So I went back to taking extra stool softeners thruout the day. Finally after another 4 days I was able to go! Yippie! Every four days is better than nothing I guess. Never thought I'd be happy about poop until I was changing diapers but it seems to have started somewhat earlier then I expected ha ha. You know you have lost all shame when you blog about your BMs huh? These things should come with a TMI button. Can't wait to see what wonderful things in my future happen to create more interesting writings like this... ;)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I wrote to my lovely fairy God mama Dawn, wonderfully sweet Jamie and my long lost twin Jessica. I told them what was going on and everyone agreed the dr would be my safest bet. Dawn suggested a drop in progesterone which would have made some sense since I was weaning myself off the cream. I called the dr and they got me right in like always. Gotta love their treatment I have to say. They moved me into the ultrasound room and I was scared of not seeing anything on the screen. I held my breath and the dr struggled to find the heart beat. But not because it wasn't there but because my teeny tiny gummy bear is so teeny tiny :) He said I was measuring right on and he couldn't find a bleed. Told me to take it easy, any problems call and he'd see me back in 2 weeks. My new appt is June 7th.
I wish I would have asked for a pic but honestly there was not much to make out. It would have been simply for sentimental value :) But in 2 weeks I shall have some nice pics of a nice sized little gummy and a nice strong, easy to find, heart beat. So thankful to know everything is well so far.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The dr did the sono anyway just in case. He thought he saw a speck already but wasn't totally sure. Said everything looked good otherwise and I was thankful he didn't do a cervix check. I am feeling not so great down there and that would have been not so nice haha.
Before he left the room he asked me about the Lovenox injections. Yes ASKED me. I was thankful for that because I was sure they were going to be a must. But Nick and I already discussed my feeling on doing them this time and agreed if I was comfortable without then it was ok. So I told him I wanted to go at it without and he was fine with that. I asked him about my cold and he told me what was ok to take. I asked him about the weird 'pain' in my hoo haa and I got the pause and the look. He just smiled. because of course he couldn't help himself when I gave the description of it feeling like i pulled a muscle down there. His reply... 'You think you pulled a pussy muscle? Can't help you with that one'. HAHA! Yes my dr is rather mouthy and that's why I like him. It even got a giggle out of the lady he had with him who looked like she was interning. God help her being with him all day haha.
So nothing else to really tell. We agreed to make my next sono in 3 weeks. There won't be too much byt a sac to see next week and just a grain of rice the week after that. So the closer I am to 7 weeks the better picture we will get of baby and the better measurement for my EDD. Normally I would freak out if I didn't go back next week but I feel very faithful about this pregnancy and know the 3 weeks wait will be more benefical to me in the end. I can't wait to show off my little gummy bear the 31st!!
Monday, May 10, 2010
So I had the itch haha. The 'I think' itch. It was difficult to follow it because I had bad pain for a while last month and thought the twinges and funny feelings I had would be chalked up to the same outcome - Not Pregnant. I kept telling Nick 'if I'm not pg this month then I have to go see the dr because something is wrong'. This month felt different tho, and I was extremely careful to be only cautiously optimistic because last month I let my hopes get the best of me. I still remember the exact moment where I felt 'pinch' and was like hmmm that feels very familiar. I prayed, had my fingers and toes crossed and just tried to wait it out.
Thursday morning I woke up and felt happy. That's the only way I can describe it haha. It's very rare to wake up and instantly feel something like that. I thought maybe i had a great dream (a BFP one of course lol) and decided eh what the hell, I'll take a test even tho it's super early. (I was 8dpo today but thought I was 9dpo according to my chart.) So I peed into my little cup and dipped my test and wrapped it back up to put on the window sill which has now become the home of all my pee sticks. I walked into the kitchen and uh oh, I feel not so good. My stomach was a little queasy and I told Nick since he was right there. He gave me a little woohoo and a smirk. Went about my day and then I remembered! O yea I took that test! I went back into the bathroom and sat on the toilet to 'examine' my test. This was a ritual last month. So I looked and looked some more and turning it this way and that caught a glimpse of something.
So of course I jump on the computer and tell my girls that I think I see something but I'm probably just a crazy person. I remember telling Dawn 'I think I see something where there should be a line. Like can you see the line that would show up if there was gonna be a line?' and she said 'Not unless you are PG!' haha. So I told Nick later on after more time of playing superman-goggles that we have a maybe. He said cool we'll go get some more tests. So I buy 5, like anyone doubted that hehe. 3 FRER and 2 CBE digis. Sure enough the next morning it was unmistakeably there and even he could see it. The day before he asked to see the invisible line test and said yea I see nothing lol. Of course he wouldn't see anything, he's a guy haha.
So I'll continue to test till tomorrow because it's my last test. I'll be 13 dpo and on my way to my first prenatal appt. Darker every day so far so I know my levels are going up. I don't have much going on for symptoms, which I'm hoping is just because my awful cold I happened to get Thursday has been the reason why. Lots of crampy feelings, bloating by the minute, lots of cm, little bit of nausea and some weight loss. Down 6 lbs tho which I am liking. So for now... we are pregnant and happy and just praying everything goes well.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
I went to visit my son. Yes, how painful is it to have to visit your dead son on your first Mothers day and get absolutely no support from anyone except your husband? I don't know why I let it surprise me anymore tho. Guess it'll never fail to. Well I go to his grave and as if it wasn't a rough enough day, I see that his ballon is not there and it looks as if his bunny is gone. I go over quickly and realize the ballon has broken (which is most likely from the wind) but his bunny has no head! I immediately feel my heart sink.
Who would do this? And to not even leave a note? Why is it broken? I am so upset of course I cry. I know ti wasn't done intentionally, at least I'd like to think not, but it was just that prick I didn't need that day at that moment. It was time to take the Easter gifts home anyway :( I thanked my little angel for blessing his mommy with a new life and told him how much I loved him. I said thank you for making me a mommy.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
YOU WERE RIGHT! And I couldn't thank you enough for being so!
To all of girls: Jessica & Jamie for pushing me EVERY night and listening to my venting and cry baby whining. To all who have prayed and wished and really, really meant it when they said they would think of me and the thing I wanted most in the world - Thank You!! For everyone who stuck by me and really cared how I was after I lost my son - Thank you! I love all of you so much and I can't say it enough. If you had any clue how much all of your support means to me you would hurt. Because I hurt right now. My heart is holding so much love for all of you and for the miracle that I got with your help, it actually hurts. I am overwhelmed with so much emotion and want to give all of you a hug. I'm just not sure if I would let go :) Thank you for standing by me and encouraging me not to give up and to stay positive. I wouldn't be feeling the life growing inside me and experiencing all the joy I am right now without you all. I wish nothing but the best for all of you. You got me here, one day, I hope to return the favor. I can't wait to have all of you with me from now on. Thank you girls.
Friday, May 7, 2010
You are here! You knocked and you are really here! I don't even know what to write tonight because all the joy is running thru my body and my fingers don't want to stay still. You really are here :) Daddy saw the line and so do all the girls who have been praying for mommy to meet you!! You heard my wishes and I can't believe it. You must grow strong baby. Strong and healthy so mommy can watch you grow and hold you in my arms. Please stay safe baby. Mommy will take the best care of you. I will never let anything happen to you if I can stop the bad things. All I can do is cry big, happy tears that you knocked so loudly on mommys door. I know you feel the love I have for you. I know you will grow strong and make it all the way. You are my someday baby and I'm so happy you came home to me. Keep knocking baby. Let mommy know you are staying with me. I love you so very much. Thank you for listening to my heart. It beats for you now precious.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Dear Someday Baby,
I think today may be the day you let mommy know you are here. My tummy is icky and the pain is steady in one spot. I took that test to tell me when you get here and I hope I'm not crazy. I think I see something there but no one else can. I think its you sweet little pea! I really think you have been listening to your mommy. I will try again tomorrow to see if you can knock a little louder for us. Knock louder baby! I can't wait to see if this is you at my door. I love you so much and the love is intense right now. I hope you can feel it if you are getting snug inside. Please be you. Please say hi to mommy. I love you!
(If this is our little miracle I am 8dpo today)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Dear Someday Baby,
Good morning my sweet thought. As I write this all I can do is think I feel you tapping on my heart. Are you knocking baby? All I can do is wait for you to tell me. Is that you in there my sweet little miracle? Tell me soon so mommy can stop worrying that something is wrong with me. The pains have moved and I'm just praying you are knocking. I want nothing more than to meet you. Please come home soon. Mommy is waiting very patiently for you sweet baby. A kiss for everyday I wait for you.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Dear Someday Baby,
I think mommy is getting a cold. But that doesn't stop her from thinking about you often. That just means I get to dream about you more. I just wish you were here to keep me company and make me feel better. Maybe we will hear from you soon little one and then you will make everything all better. I wish I knew if it was you I am feeling inside. I feel little pains in my tummy and all I can hope for is that you are getting cozy. Give us a sign baby. Give mommy some hope. I love you.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Dear Someday Baby,
Mommy is very lonely without you today baby. I wish you could show her you will be here soon so I could count down the days till I knew you were safe in my tummy. I hope you will be here soon baby. I hope you will let mommy know you have arrived and are strong. I don't know what I'll do without you. Everyday that goes by mommy loves you more and more and I wish I could show you how much. We will have the most amazing journey together baby. Just you and me for a while. I'm so happy I get you all to myself for weeks and weeks baby. Mommy has become very sad and I need you to light up my world. Please be here soon baby. Mommy hurts so much without you.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Dear someday baby,
Mommy talked about wanting you all night baby. I think even daddy is so anxious to see you too he's making some changes to get you here faster. He doesn't like to see mommy hurting without you. Daddy loves you so much too baby. He can't wait to feel you kick for the first time and listen to your strong heart beat when we sit on the couch at night. We can't wait to watch you grow baby. We can't wait to know you are going to be ok. We hope to hear from you soon little someday baby. Someday. Love mommy and daddy.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Dear Someday Baby,
Someday I know you will come to me. One day I will take that test and you will have lit up every cell in my body with hope, happiness and the most overwhelming love you will ever know. I hope you make it thru a very long journey with me baby. I hope I get to take you home. I will think about you everyday until I have you in my belly. I will fight to get you there. I won't ever give up on you baby. Because I already love you like nothing I've ever loved before. I dream of hearing your heart beat for the first time and that picture I get to take home. I will see you and everything bad in my life will go away. You will bring your mommy so much joy and take away so much heart ache baby. Please come to me. I would love to be your mommy. I love you little someday baby. Mommy loves you so very much.
Friday, March 26, 2010
I was introduced to a video the other day, and while I in NO way whatsoever think poorly of anyone who did not choose to terminate, after seeing this video, I now know the decision to terminate was the right one. I watched a mother give birth to a baby with with full Trisomy 13. He had a cleft and multiple internal issues. Heart, lungs, kidneys... I watched the mother bring this baby home and for 5 days her and her husband watched him struggle to live. They sent him home with oxygen and pain meds. Pain meds for a newborn baby, but they tell you they feel no pain from these anomalies. I cried the whole time I watched it and all I could think of was "Oh my God, how could you put your child thru all this pain just to have a few selfish days with them?". The baby had trouble breathing. His little heart would stop beating and then start up again. His lings would shut down over and over. They would cry over his death just to hear him gasp again a few seconds later. The child was in pain. He was struggling. And they watched. They let it happen. I just don't understand how someone could be so selfish. And I'm sorry if I sound judgemental because I'm not that person. But I felt physical pain for this child knowing that he was struggling and fighting for every second. i understand from the bottom of my heart the moment you give birth to that child you want to hear him cry. You want to see them move and open their eyes. What I don't understand is how you could know that child is going to be in pain and die in your arms and still put him through this.
I struggled with our decision to terminate very much but in my heart I knew even if he were to make it any longer he would never go to term. He would die in my womb. I had to ask myself how long I was willing to let the inevitable continue. I wanted to be selfish and carry him so I would have that much more time. I wanted to be selfish of my pregnancy and thought that I wanted to 'use up' the life he had left. I knew this was wrong. I knew it was wrong to let him suffer. Feeling pain or no pain, which no dr can prove to me, I couldn't imagine any longer that he was not developing correctly. His kidneys were not functioning. My placenta was not supporting him. There was barely any fluid left around him. These are just the things we knew, what about all the things we didn't know? I felt his pain. I was his mother and I knew I did not want my son to suffer. No one can tell me he was comfortable. I felt like he was suffocating. I thank God that he answered my prayers and took my son before I had to. It was everything I asked for. I wanted him to go peacefully. I couldn't imagine it any other way. And I'll never forget my husband telling me "I was a good mother for making the hardest decision for my son".
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
We did make a lot of progress today as I finally got some answers I needed from Nick. I realize I've done a lot of damage in the time before we got pregnant with Beldon. The importance of us being close and getting that baby over took some more important things like working together. There are a million things that had brought it to that point but it's just nice to see it now instead of not seeing it ever. I am hurt about it but glad that I now know what NOT to do. I just hope after our talk he understands how much I've changed from that mindset and am not trying to pressure him. It's amazing how such macho guys are so mentally sensitive. What posers! lol. I'm just glad to be at the point we have come to today. Without my little baby boy we may never have gotten here. Mommy can't help but keep thanking you for all that you've given her and continue to give her little man. I love you. Daddy may not say it but I know he loves you too.
We need prayers, so please think about us as we try to recover and make another huge miracle! Thanks.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
So... she is here and now I will go thru every day wondering how long it will last and will O be on time this month, will my late O change, will Nick be on track with BDing (baby dancing/sex)????? That's the biggest obstacle. The most important part about making another baby. The supposed-to-be-fun part of this whole thing. My biggest prayer for the next 3 weeks will be that he is ready to go at O time. I will have to keep my mouth shut about sex and babies and keep him as happy as I can to get thru this month. Does this ever end? Will I ever get my take-home baby?? Please God let Nick be 'with me' this month. Sigh... All I ever wanted was to be a mom. Now I feel like my time is running out. I know I can't dwell on the What Ifs but it's so hard not to ask the questions: Will I lose another baby? How long will it take us to get PG this time? Will Nick be cooperative? Will I have another stroke of bad luck? The questions go on forever... One baby. That's all I ask. Just 1 healthy baby for me to keep. If you want to give me more that's great! But just that 1 is all I need to make me complete. I will pray, every day, until it happens. That's all I can do for now. Pray.