Saturday, July 10, 2010

July 10th - This day was supposed to be different

It's that day. The day that I was supposed to be begging my little boy to 'come out already'. Beldon's due date was as hard as I expected. I was supposed to be so close to holding my sweet little baby boy and instead a visit to his gravesite must suffice. I thought the urn on the mantle containing my husbands' ashes would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to look at. If only I would have known then that there were much harder days ahead to endure.
I can still picture how I would have painted his nursery; the outfit I would have chosen to bring him home in. I can picture holding him and even imagine the joy that I would have felt when he cried for the first time. I would have picked out his daddy's nose and my long eyelashes. I would have held him close and breathed in his sweet baby smell. I would have watched his father hold him in awe and that single tear roll down his face. I would tell him how much I loved him and how long daddy and me waited for this moment. But all that will remain the dream it always was. I will never get to see my son like that. I will never get to see life in him. Never get to see his eyes open wide or hear his voice. I'll never get to smell his skin or change his diapers. The nevers hurt so much more than I thought.
I held my baby without life for a brief moment. I wish I would have at least gotten to see his face. I wish he had been plump and beige, not thin and red. I can't get over the wishes, the nevers, the cant's. But I thank you sweet baby, for giving me the gift you've given. The wishes, nevers and cant's that I will now get to have will never replace you, but I promise to pour every ounce of love I have for you into this new life. I promise to be a better mother, mentor and friend because of the gift you have given me. The strength to be these things is only because of you. You've given me the greatest gifts in the world. I can never give enough back to you. Mommy loves you and I will never forget one moment I had with you.

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