Gianna's Birth Story - Take 1

So, it has taken me almost 7 months after the birth of my daughter to finally get on here and write something. For those of you i used to talk to frequently, I apologize. Things were so rough while I was pregnant with her and afterwards they only got worse, in a way.

I ended up going C-section, like I had imagined for about half the pregnancy. It was apparently inevitable. I don't know how to explain it but I never had that 'vision' of having her vaginally. I never imagined pushing her out. I don't know why. It was just not in the cards for how I saw things going I guess. With all the sickness and pain maybe down inside I wanted the 'easy way out' of childbirth. Not that a cesarean is an easy thing to get thru but you all know what I meant. Anyway, on to the story...

My last couple appts at the dr yielded little if nothing in the world of progression. Finally the day before my 40 weeks was here, I had opened up just a tiny bit. I was over the moon and he he sent me in for the start of my induction. Dun Da Da Duuu! (Or however you write that announcement ;)

As much as I didn't want the induction and knew it would probably end in my demise of a cesarean, I went for it anyway. The pain I felt from the SPD was actually worse than the Pitocin if you can believe that. And that S**T was horrible!!! Getting there... Hang on.

I was sent to the hospital that night for ripening with Cervadil. I was told that this could speed up dilation and effacement and I could even have the baby that night! Of course my dumb little ass was thinking happy thoughts after I heard this. A smack was necessary at that point. Well needless to say I went all night with NOTHING and when the dr came in that morning to check it was no surprise. He just shook his head and proceeded to break my water.

After he did this EXTREMELY painful procedure he announced that baby had 'poopied' in the water and we would have to have her suctioned as soon as she was out to avoid risk of infection. Of course this put my heart in my throat. After all, there was no more room in my stomach ;)

Round 1. The start of awesome fricktastic things that would open the gate to the rest of the day. I think everyone is catching on to how fantabulous my labor went... Can ya?? Huh? Huh?? Yeaaaaaaaaa.... So, I was reassured that baby would be fine but they wouldn't let me go over 24 hours because it would put her at risk. And the countdown begins!

Pitocin drip was started and the glorious pain of 5 minute long contractions with about 35 seconds reprieve in between was under way. Someone just kill me. I had laid, sat and suffered in that more than ridiculously uncomfortable hospital bed all night with my already intense SPD pain and now this. I think I got thru 3 hours of the drip before I was asked if I saw an epidural in my future. Annnnnnnnnnnd my answer after 4 times of the nurse reducing the drip because my 'contractions are so close together' (um hmm) was YES! I felt like I could go a lot longer but figured why? at this point. I can't move to make them lessen because of all the pain my pelvis was in and they are obviously only going to get worse.

This too was something I had foreseen not going as planned. I had an epidural administered when I was 19. I was in a rear-end accident and have a buldging disc as a result. The drs thought an epi would numb me up, for a while at least, to give me some relief from the pain. Needless to say it didn't freakin' work! As soon as I came out of the twilight sleep I was in I was in horrible pain and knew exactly where they had stuck me with there gigantor needle in my spine! I just didn't see this time turning out any better and man was I ever right. They had another nurse come in and 'instruct' me. I say instruct with ' ' because she was a complete biotch and did a bang up job of telling me what to do. Let me back up and mention that I was really, REALLY, worked up over my fear of being awake and having that big ass needle going into my spine. I had been crying and shaking, etc. So you think this lady could have been slightly understanding... She kept telling me to scoot towards the head of the bed and I was really trying but was doing it at my own pace (which apparently was not effing fast enough for her schedule) because of my SPD pain. Well I scoot as high up and as far back as I can and she tells me it's not good enough and I need to scoot back more. Mind you I had nothing to move my damn self back any farther with. She shoves a chair in front of me and says use this to push off of. That would have been swell except for the fact that my 5'1' self had no more leg to reach the chair. So let me get this straight, as she is yelling at me to do this, you want me to scoot forward to scoot back right to where I am now?? Cause that's as far as my short little legs are gonna take me.

Fast forward- I get to a reasonable spot on the bed and they proceed to do they painful jabbing into my spine with their fingers. My husband is trying to talk to me and calm me down and this friggin nurse keeps cutting him off. Really lady?? Up and go somewhere!! They poke me with the numbing needle and then do the epi. I lived, yay for me, lol. So they lay me down and tell me I'll be good to go in 10 minutes. Or so they thought...

OMG

I can NOT believe it has taken me this long to get on here. I have had the biggest urge to write like you couldn't imagine. But... after a very lonely, long and lengthy recovery from having my precious baby girl it just hasn't happened. I am writing this as a prequel so when I have TIME, which is a word I don't see much of lately, I can write like I want to. I had to get on here and let anyone who still 'follows' my blog that I WILL RETURN! =-D

I miss you all and hope everyone is doing wonderful. I still don't know how to write people on here so please CBella if you see this, I JUST got notification of your comment in freaking March! Please let me know how you are! I can't wait to talk to you and everyone else. SOON!!!!

For now, here is a pic of Gigi from recently~~~~~~ Her 6 month pics that I did. Outfit - courtesy of one of my best friends.

Finally the End...

I know it's been forever since I've updated and for that I apologize. My intentions have been better than my actions. I've just been so worn down with trying to survive the days with the pain and sickness being so much worse. Mentally it's killing me.

I think I last reported, besides with my whining over the pain, at my 35 week appt. Since then things have been a struggle. Yes, a bigger one than the last 30 weeks. The pain has increased to the most intolerable level imaginable now that baby girl has slipped down into my pelvis completely.

I went in for my 37 week check-up hoping for nothing but good news about dilation and effacement only to walk out in pain and tears of disappointment. The dr couldn't even reach my cervix. That meant no progress whatsoever and not ONE step closer to the end of this suffering.

I kept some hope for my next appt only to be slammed even harder into the ground by the same thing. She was still so high up that nothing could be touched. No stripping, no chance for that 39 week induction that I was praying for. This all meant I had to make it another week and at this point I feared another after that. I grew numb. I gave up hope and started pondering a cesarean because it seemed like it may be my only option.

I started giving up all hope and the thoughts were taking their toll. The pain I was experiencing was too much. I just didn't have it in me to to keep going. What the hell was I going to do?

Well it seems that giving up for me is key... When I finally gave up with trying to get pregnant we got the most incredible surprise - My little miracle Gianna. It seems in order to get anywhere I need to lose all hope in things. Isn't that ironic??

Well my 39 week appt went much better to say the least. I had been having cramping and back pain for the last few days and apparently it was a sign of progress :) Cervix is finally coming down and I was at 1.5 cm! You would think the news would make me respond in some ridiculously happy way but I was literally so numb going into it that it didn't even hit me. We discussed my options - I now had options! The plan of action is to see me on Monday, if I make it that long, and induce Tuesday if I did. I was hoping that wouldn't be the case but here it is Monday morning at 1am and no baby. So it looks like I will be inducing on my due date first thing tomorrow morning.

It finally hit me after the appointment tho. I got outside and had this weight lifted off my shoulders and I felt this sense of 'FREE'. I smiled :) It was followed by this deep sense of "OMG this is finally happening. I'm finally going to have this baby and finally be a mother." I had and still have no clue what to do with these emotions I'm feeling and they intensify everyday. I thought that for the last 9 months I would have felt this way, afterall, I have been pregnant this whole time right?? I guess from being almost there so many times before that the end of things was never something I was able to feel.

I'm going to be a mommy. It still seems surreal for me but now it's hitting home that it's going to happen. I still don't understand how to handle these emotions but as the days have crept closer and the reality becomes stronger, all I can think is 'wow'. I'm going to see this child. Alive. Moving. Her skin will be pink and her body chubby. She will breathe her first breath. She will cry. I will be able to look into her eyes and see her face. For the first time I get to see my child's face. It's so much more than I can imagine. It feels so sweet and it's not even mine yet. But it will be this time. This time I get what I've struggled for so many years for. My suffering has not been for nothing. I gave every ounce of strength I had to reach this point for something wonderful and it was not done in vain. And when I know the time is here I will give every last bit of me to bring her into the world. To be mine. My own little piece of wonder and joy. Something I've always been so far away from. Finally the End is mine :)

O and btw I've gotten huge! =D