Friday, March 26, 2010

I know now that I made the right decision

I was introduced to a video the other day, and while I in NO way whatsoever think poorly of anyone who did not choose to terminate, after seeing this video, I now know the decision to terminate was the right one. I watched a mother give birth to a baby with with full Trisomy 13. He had a cleft and multiple internal issues. Heart, lungs, kidneys... I watched the mother bring this baby home and for 5 days her and her husband watched him struggle to live. They sent him home with oxygen and pain meds. Pain meds for a newborn baby, but they tell you they feel no pain from these anomalies. I cried the whole time I watched it and all I could think of was "Oh my God, how could you put your child thru all this pain just to have a few selfish days with them?". The baby had trouble breathing. His little heart would stop beating and then start up again. His lings would shut down over and over. They would cry over his death just to hear him gasp again a few seconds later. The child was in pain. He was struggling. And they watched. They let it happen. I just don't understand how someone could be so selfish. And I'm sorry if I sound judgemental because I'm not that person. But I felt physical pain for this child knowing that he was struggling and fighting for every second. i understand from the bottom of my heart the moment you give birth to that child you want to hear him cry. You want to see them move and open their eyes. What I don't understand is how you could know that child is going to be in pain and die in your arms and still put him through this.
I struggled with our decision to terminate very much but in my heart I knew even if he were to make it any longer he would never go to term. He would die in my womb. I had to ask myself how long I was willing to let the inevitable continue. I wanted to be selfish and carry him so I would have that much more time. I wanted to be selfish of my pregnancy and thought that I wanted to 'use up' the life he had left. I knew this was wrong. I knew it was wrong to let him suffer. Feeling pain or no pain, which no dr can prove to me, I couldn't imagine any longer that he was not developing correctly. His kidneys were not functioning. My placenta was not supporting him. There was barely any fluid left around him. These are just the things we knew, what about all the things we didn't know? I felt his pain. I was his mother and I knew I did not want my son to suffer. No one can tell me he was comfortable. I felt like he was suffocating. I thank God that he answered my prayers and took my son before I had to. It was everything I asked for. I wanted him to go peacefully. I couldn't imagine it any other way. And I'll never forget my husband telling me "I was a good mother for making the hardest decision for my son".

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

6 Week Check Up

Yesterday was my first check up since delivering my sweet angel. The dr checked my cervix and everything is good. I asked him a few questions, mostly about the hubby. We got a Rx to try to help things and when he is ready, which I hope is soon, the dr will send him for a SA (sperm analysis). This is just to put our minds at ease. Obviously there isn't an underlying issue with us getting pregnant, but some results from his end will give me some insight on things. Praying for good numbers and motility. (I just keep adding to my prayer list here lol). So now I'm just counting down the days, crossing my fingers and trying to take deep breaths as we return to this rough road of trying to get that healthy baby in our arms.
We did make a lot of progress today as I finally got some answers I needed from Nick. I realize I've done a lot of damage in the time before we got pregnant with Beldon. The importance of us being close and getting that baby over took some more important things like working together. There are a million things that had brought it to that point but it's just nice to see it now instead of not seeing it ever. I am hurt about it but glad that I now know what NOT to do. I just hope after our talk he understands how much I've changed from that mindset and am not trying to pressure him. It's amazing how such macho guys are so mentally sensitive. What posers! lol. I'm just glad to be at the point we have come to today. Without my little baby boy we may never have gotten here. Mommy can't help but keep thanking you for all that you've given her and continue to give her little man. I love you. Daddy may not say it but I know he loves you too.
We need prayers, so please think about us as we try to recover and make another huge miracle! Thanks.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Finally :)

After 3 agonizing weeks of waiting (2 weeks after the bleeding from delivery stopped plus another 3 till now), I finally started AF (aunt flo/menstruation). How ironic that I wanted it to stop then start again so soon lol. God it was such a relief! I Oed (ovulated) CD22 (cycle day22) and had no idea when it would start back up again. I was reading stories that it could be months before her return and I was so scared my body would not respond on its own. I never had problems getting back on schedule after my other losses before but knew I should expect something different after a delivery. It was hard to find information on the internet about induction/delivery and not have the article discuss mostly the baby and breast feeding. Not fun for a grieving mommy to read.
So... she is here and now I will go thru every day wondering how long it will last and will O be on time this month, will my late O change, will Nick be on track with BDing (baby dancing/sex)????? That's the biggest obstacle. The most important part about making another baby. The supposed-to-be-fun part of this whole thing. My biggest prayer for the next 3 weeks will be that he is ready to go at O time. I will have to keep my mouth shut about sex and babies and keep him as happy as I can to get thru this month. Does this ever end? Will I ever get my take-home baby?? Please God let Nick be 'with me' this month. Sigh... All I ever wanted was to be a mom. Now I feel like my time is running out. I know I can't dwell on the What Ifs but it's so hard not to ask the questions: Will I lose another baby? How long will it take us to get PG this time? Will Nick be cooperative? Will I have another stroke of bad luck? The questions go on forever... One baby. That's all I ask. Just 1 healthy baby for me to keep. If you want to give me more that's great! But just that 1 is all I need to make me complete. I will pray, every day, until it happens. That's all I can do for now. Pray.