I break down everyday thinking about my baby boy. I remember how his heartbeat sounded for the first time and how badly I cried. I remember seeing him grow at every ultrasound. And finally feeling him move inside my tummy. I miss him more than anything. I never thought I could miss someone more than my husband. Not because my other angels are not loved and missed but to me there is a huge difference in a 6 week loss and a baby that has been living inside me for 18 amazing weeks.
Knowing a baby and watching and feeling it is a completely new experience to me. One that I was scared I'd never feel. Beldon gave that wonderful experience to me. I am forever grateful for knowing my baby boy and I can't cherish him enough. He did so many amazing things for me and Nick. Things I never thought could happen or exist.
Knowing Beldon brought my best friend back to me. He made Nick and I realize how much we really loved each other and that we could get thru anything if we were together. We lost sight of that because we were more focused on our surroundings and the stress in our lives. Things have never been easy for either of us and its been twice as bad with the 2 of us in one room :)
Beldon also gave us hope. Hope, that one day we can bring home a baby. A healthy baby. I now know I can carry a child and will not lose every pregnancy almost as quickly as we find out about it.
I have a new strive for life that I lost when my husband was killed. My little baby showed me that light that I needed back in my life so badly. The sound of his heart beating, the movement I felt inside me, seeing him on the screen during the ultrasounds... It made it all real for me. I will never forget the day of the amnio when we saw his foot clear as day on the tv screen. We both saw it and our hearts melted. Even though we knew in our hearts we would not be bringing him home... we knew we loved him more than anything in the world. We felt a love like never before and it was a new love for each other that was built from it.
We've been painting our new home and decided to wait on painting the nursery. We wanted to make it personal and not just a painted and decorated room. We wanted it to be made according to how we felt about our new baby when we get to know him or her. The way we knew what we wanted for Beldon, should things have turned out differently. But with every brush stroke and every inch of wall that gets a new color I can't help but to feel my heart break that we are not painting for him. That I won't be able to paint his room and bring him home to it. I broke down one day and Nick came over to console me. I threw myself into his arms and sobbed "All we wanted was a little girl and now I would give anything to have my little boy back". He knew exactly what I felt.
I think we both have a different feeling about the baby we will make next. We would have loved our baby more than anything no matter what the gender, but the way we feel about having a girl (first) has changed drastically. We won't think or joke about a girl or a boy. We will not pray for a girl or be 'disappointed' if we have a boy. We will pray for a healthy baby and nothing more. We will only be disappointed if we cannot bring home our next miracle. It is no longer about anything even remotely material. Not about pink vs blue. It's about loving that baby more than we ever knew we could. We have felt what it's like to love for the first time in our lives. To really love. Stronger than any love we could have for each other.
Beldon taught us so much. He made us whole. Nick is a father and I am a mother and there is no greater feeling in the world. He will always be our greatest inspiration and I can't wait to tell his story to his little brother or sister. They will know how special their guardian angel is. We will take all the love and hope he gave us and it will blossom the second that next test turns positive. Thank you baby boy for everything you gave us. We love you always and forever.