Saturday, May 29, 2010

I poo'd mommy! I poo'd!

Yes it's true! I am 2 and a half all over again haha. i don't even feel silly about announcing i went potty either. Not after how things have been going for me. I went for an entire week last week without one movement. And no I don't mean a religous awakening. My pregnancies have never been good to me in that area but this one has got to be the worst for absolutely everything. Poo being one of them. Or should i say no poo lol.
I had the worst experience last week with a laxative and thought I was going to die - literally. I took some "gentle, over-night relief in 6-12 hours" pill and laid down for a nap. MY ASS gentle, overnight relief! (No pun intended). Little did I know I would be awaken an hour later to the most awful pains in my back and a horrible cold sweat. I threw myself in the bathroom and just moaned in pain while I borke into a freezing sweat and went pale and dizzy. I was alone and seriously contemplated dialing 911. I was scared to death I was haveing back labor pains and would miscarry. That's how bad this was. 20 mins later Nick came home and didn't have a clue what to do as I begged him to help make the pain stop. He suggested a bath which I threw myself into and provided no relief at all. So 40 mins pass and the pain subsides enough so I can stop rolling around on the floor moaning in pain. I lay down in bed covered in sweat and fall asleep.
I awoke 2 hours later to a slightly less painful reoccurence of the first scene. Another hour later finally went. It was awful all together. I vowed never to take another one probably for the rest of my life but definitely not while I was pregnant. So I went back to taking extra stool softeners thruout the day. Finally after another 4 days I was able to go! Yippie! Every four days is better than nothing I guess. Never thought I'd be happy about poop until I was changing diapers but it seems to have started somewhat earlier then I expected ha ha. You know you have lost all shame when you blog about your BMs huh? These things should come with a TMI button. Can't wait to see what wonderful things in my future happen to create more interesting writings like this... ;)

Friday, May 28, 2010

6 Weeks - MS arrives

So I guess the hormones have taken a sky rocket for the worst. The worst for Morning Sickness that is. Even tho we all know the 'morning' is the worst way to describe the time of day that we feel like we have a volcano in our stomaches just waiting to erupt allllllllllllll day and alllllllllllll night. I asked for it right? How stupid was that!? ha ha. Well I'm thankful to know my body is reacting strongly to the hormones and it does give me great piece of mind that tiny baby is doing well. But would someone please turn it down a notch?!?!

The last couple days it has gotten so bad that I am unable to sleep for any period of time, let alone fall asleep on the first place. Then I'm hurdled over my new friend, the bathroom wastebasket, all day. If I'm not eating, what feels like every 5 minutes, my entire middle burns and churns. I feel like I can't get a 5 minute break from it. I've lost about 7 or 8 pounds but of course no one can tell with all the bloat ;)

So I admit, I wake up crying. Got to bed crying. I'm miserable. I am scared for gummy bear too. I know if I get too dehydrated I can lose 'her'. I hope it settles down some and I don't end up in the hospital getting an IV drip. I saw my sister go thru it with her last pg and it was awful. I'm not at the HG (Hyperemesis Gravidarum) point yet, but I don't feel from from it either. Hoping this is a first trimester deal and I can get a little break in about 6 weeks. Just praying for now. Sigh...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Early Dr Appt - Our first little scare

I was originally scheduled to go back to the dr 3 weeks from my first appt. But yesterday I was a little concerned, ok more than a little, when I had some brown spotting that night. I remained calm but concerned and said if it was still there in the morning or anything got worse i would call right away. Well morning came and the spotting continued. I was relieved that it did not get pink or red like I had feared it may. I was thankful for that much. I went back to bed and decided maybe to ask my girlies what they thought before I called the dr. I really hate being that paranoid person but can't really blame myself with my "wonderful" history during pregnancy.

I wrote to my lovely fairy God mama Dawn, wonderfully sweet Jamie and my long lost twin Jessica. I told them what was going on and everyone agreed the dr would be my safest bet. Dawn suggested a drop in progesterone which would have made some sense since I was weaning myself off the cream. I called the dr and they got me right in like always. Gotta love their treatment I have to say. They moved me into the ultrasound room and I was scared of not seeing anything on the screen. I held my breath and the dr struggled to find the heart beat. But not because it wasn't there but because my teeny tiny gummy bear is so teeny tiny :) He said I was measuring right on and he couldn't find a bleed. Told me to take it easy, any problems call and he'd see me back in 2 weeks. My new appt is June 7th.

I wish I would have asked for a pic but honestly there was not much to make out. It would have been simply for sentimental value :) But in 2 weeks I shall have some nice pics of a nice sized little gummy and a nice strong, easy to find, heart beat. So thankful to know everything is well so far.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

My Niece is sick - Need prayers

Some of you know about my 15 month old niece, either directly from me, or on WTE.
Short story: She was sick and vomitting over a week ago. My sister took her to the hospital and they did some blood work. Her red blood cell count (cbc) was very low. They sent her to Arnold Palmer hospital for children in Orlando and they did more bloodwork and tests there. Her count came back even lower so we were all very worried. The words leukemia and bone marrow disease were thrown around and everyone has been holding their breath. So no answers up to that point...
Rest of the story:
So, I wanted to see her and be there for her next appointment so my mom and I drove up to see her and be there to support my sister. If anyone knows how it feels to fear something being wrong with their baby it's me. We arrived late that night and my Boogs was sleeping. Mom and I passed her back and forth during the night to keep an eye on her. She woke up that morning very lethargic and not her usual self. She wouldn't eat and drank very little. We were in high anticipation for her appointment that morning.
We drove the hour to the hospital and she slept most of the way after being fussy. We took her up to the waiting room and she had horrible diarrhea so mom changed her twice just in the time we were on there. When we took her into the exam room she started to get really fussy. The poor thing remembered what happened when she was there last time. The nurse came in and laying her on the table was a chore. She flipped out and started crying. Then when the doctor came in she really went wild. No one was even doing anything to her yet. Just checking ears and belly and stuff but she was a tiny crazy woman.
The doctor said he was glad she was fighting him tho because it showed she had the energy too. I on the other hand was balling like baby myself the whole time she was kicking and screaming. I felt helpless and obviously way too hormonal to watch her go thru that. The nurse actually asked me if i was ok haha. I was like yea don't bother with me just worry about my niece!
The doctor said they were going to check her cbc again and also testing her for parvo virus. He said that was the only other thing they had suspicions for at the time. I asked if there was risk to my sister and I as we were newly pregnant and he said yes. So if her results are positive I need to run to the dr. If her numbers went down anymore and/or the parvo came back negative the next step is a bone marrow biopsy. Jesus, I can't even think about that. I've seen it done, heard of it and it's just an awful proceedure to endure. But good new was the leukemia was pushed further down the list of possibilities.
Next came the blood draw :( This part she freaked out soooooooo bad that the nurse had to grab the other nurse to come hold her down. I've never seen this kid fight like that. I almost lost it again but managed to just tear and not cry. They finally got the samples and told us they'd call sometime that day with the cbc results. The parvo test in a couple days. We left the office and took Van to try to eat something. She ate a little bit of soft serve and a bit of tomato but that's all she had the entire morning so far. We decided to go to the mall and hang out. I got her to repeat Aunt Nikki which came out NiNi but she said it all day and it made me the happiest aunt in the world. We were there a couple hours and the baby started laughing and playing a little. Not long before we left my sister got the call from the doctor and I was looking at some shirts while mom took Van for a diapy change. I turned around to see her crying but smirking at the same time so I rushed over. She said 'her numbers went up' and it was like someone took their foot off my chest. I knew how much relief I felt, I coldn't imagine what my sis was feeling. Mom came back and she told her the good news. Mom freaked out like always and we all shared a hug and a cry. Van ate a fruit cup and we were all very happy about that. Her numbers went from 6.8 - 7.1. Nothing drastic but these numbers mean a lot in small doses so anything higher was much better! So we thought we'd celebrate a little.
We decided to grab something to eat at Olive Garden and sis ordered the baby's favorite for her in hopes she would eat- fettucini alfredo :) She ate! She had her fettucini and some tomatoes and some breadstick and of course aunt NiNi shared her breadstick with her whenever she opened and said ahhhh. Ha ha. She was being a little funny girl and doing the most hilarious stuff. We had a wonderful time. The day went so much better than anyone could have asked for. We now wait impatiently for her parvo results and the next step depending on the outcome. They will keep monitoring her if it's not the parvo and they think the virus, if that's indeed what it is, is leaving her system thru the diarrhea and such. I will be sure to update with the results as soon as we get them. For now I ask that everyone please keep this sweet baby in your thoughts. Thanks girls.

Friday, May 14, 2010











Tuesday, May 11, 2010

First Dr appt

So I know its way too early to see anything on the ultrasound so that's null and void for going in. But we have a lot to talk about to ease my mind this time.
The dr did the sono anyway just in case. He thought he saw a speck already but wasn't totally sure. Said everything looked good otherwise and I was thankful he didn't do a cervix check. I am feeling not so great down there and that would have been not so nice haha.
Before he left the room he asked me about the Lovenox injections. Yes ASKED me. I was thankful for that because I was sure they were going to be a must. But Nick and I already discussed my feeling on doing them this time and agreed if I was comfortable without then it was ok. So I told him I wanted to go at it without and he was fine with that. I asked him about my cold and he told me what was ok to take. I asked him about the weird 'pain' in my hoo haa and I got the pause and the look. He just smiled. because of course he couldn't help himself when I gave the description of it feeling like i pulled a muscle down there. His reply... 'You think you pulled a pussy muscle? Can't help you with that one'. HAHA! Yes my dr is rather mouthy and that's why I like him. It even got a giggle out of the lady he had with him who looked like she was interning. God help her being with him all day haha.
So nothing else to really tell. We agreed to make my next sono in 3 weeks. There won't be too much byt a sac to see next week and just a grain of rice the week after that. So the closer I am to 7 weeks the better picture we will get of baby and the better measurement for my EDD. Normally I would freak out if I didn't go back next week but I feel very faithful about this pregnancy and know the 3 weeks wait will be more benefical to me in the end. I can't wait to show off my little gummy bear the 31st!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

We did it! Literally haha

Well it looks like all the fighting (mentally and physically lol) has paid off 10 fold. We are officially PREGNANT! I'm so thankful it only took a few months. Those few months were hard enough. I can't imagine what kind of a basketcase I'd be if it took any longer. I've lost way too many marbles over the last 2 years to be able to afford losing anymore.

So I had the itch haha. The 'I think' itch. It was difficult to follow it because I had bad pain for a while last month and thought the twinges and funny feelings I had would be chalked up to the same outcome - Not Pregnant. I kept telling Nick 'if I'm not pg this month then I have to go see the dr because something is wrong'. This month felt different tho, and I was extremely careful to be only cautiously optimistic because last month I let my hopes get the best of me. I still remember the exact moment where I felt 'pinch' and was like hmmm that feels very familiar. I prayed, had my fingers and toes crossed and just tried to wait it out.

Thursday morning I woke up and felt happy. That's the only way I can describe it haha. It's very rare to wake up and instantly feel something like that. I thought maybe i had a great dream (a BFP one of course lol) and decided eh what the hell, I'll take a test even tho it's super early. (I was 8dpo today but thought I was 9dpo according to my chart.) So I peed into my little cup and dipped my test and wrapped it back up to put on the window sill which has now become the home of all my pee sticks. I walked into the kitchen and uh oh, I feel not so good. My stomach was a little queasy and I told Nick since he was right there. He gave me a little woohoo and a smirk. Went about my day and then I remembered! O yea I took that test! I went back into the bathroom and sat on the toilet to 'examine' my test. This was a ritual last month. So I looked and looked some more and turning it this way and that caught a glimpse of something.
So of course I jump on the computer and tell my girls that I think I see something but I'm probably just a crazy person. I remember telling Dawn 'I think I see something where there should be a line. Like can you see the line that would show up if there was gonna be a line?' and she said 'Not unless you are PG!' haha. So I told Nick later on after more time of playing superman-goggles that we have a maybe. He said cool we'll go get some more tests. So I buy 5, like anyone doubted that hehe. 3 FRER and 2 CBE digis. Sure enough the next morning it was unmistakeably there and even he could see it. The day before he asked to see the invisible line test and said yea I see nothing lol. Of course he wouldn't see anything, he's a guy haha.
So I'll continue to test till tomorrow because it's my last test. I'll be 13 dpo and on my way to my first prenatal appt. Darker every day so far so I know my levels are going up. I don't have much going on for symptoms, which I'm hoping is just because my awful cold I happened to get Thursday has been the reason why. Lots of crampy feelings, bloating by the minute, lots of cm, little bit of nausea and some weight loss. Down 6 lbs tho which I am liking. So for now... we are pregnant and happy and just praying everything goes well.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mothers Day! To ME!

I wanted to say Happy Mothers Day to all my girls. It's so nice to know I'm a mommy this year. My first Mothers Day and I didn't hear jack from family. Does everyone really think it's best not to talk about everything I've gone thru or think maybe that it would be healthy to be regarded as a 'mother' after what I went thru. I just don't get it. Not one call from anyone.
I went to visit my son. Yes, how painful is it to have to visit your dead son on your first Mothers day and get absolutely no support from anyone except your husband? I don't know why I let it surprise me anymore tho. Guess it'll never fail to. Well I go to his grave and as if it wasn't a rough enough day, I see that his ballon is not there and it looks as if his bunny is gone. I go over quickly and realize the ballon has broken (which is most likely from the wind) but his bunny has no head! I immediately feel my heart sink.
Who would do this? And to not even leave a note? Why is it broken? I am so upset of course I cry. I know ti wasn't done intentionally, at least I'd like to think not, but it was just that prick I didn't need that day at that moment. It was time to take the Easter gifts home anyway :( I thanked my little angel for blessing his mommy with a new life and told him how much I loved him. I said thank you for making me a mommy.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

To my girls...

Dawn, I told you I would say it, and here it is:
YOU WERE RIGHT! And I couldn't thank you enough for being so!

To all of girls: Jessica & Jamie for pushing me EVERY night and listening to my venting and cry baby whining. To all who have prayed and wished and really, really meant it when they said they would think of me and the thing I wanted most in the world - Thank You!! For everyone who stuck by me and really cared how I was after I lost my son - Thank you! I love all of you so much and I can't say it enough. If you had any clue how much all of your support means to me you would hurt. Because I hurt right now. My heart is holding so much love for all of you and for the miracle that I got with your help, it actually hurts. I am overwhelmed with so much emotion and want to give all of you a hug. I'm just not sure if I would let go :) Thank you for standing by me and encouraging me not to give up and to stay positive. I wouldn't be feeling the life growing inside me and experiencing all the joy I am right now without you all. I wish nothing but the best for all of you. You got me here, one day, I hope to return the favor. I can't wait to have all of you with me from now on. Thank you girls.

Friday, May 7, 2010

May 7th

May 7th
Dear Baby,
You are here! You knocked and you are really here! I don't even know what to write tonight because all the joy is running thru my body and my fingers don't want to stay still. You really are here :) Daddy saw the line and so do all the girls who have been praying for mommy to meet you!! You heard my wishes and I can't believe it. You must grow strong baby. Strong and healthy so mommy can watch you grow and hold you in my arms. Please stay safe baby. Mommy will take the best care of you. I will never let anything happen to you if I can stop the bad things. All I can do is cry big, happy tears that you knocked so loudly on mommys door. I know you feel the love I have for you. I know you will grow strong and make it all the way. You are my someday baby and I'm so happy you came home to me. Keep knocking baby. Let mommy know you are staying with me. I love you so very much. Thank you for listening to my heart. It beats for you now precious.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

May 6th

May 6th
Dear Someday Baby,
I think today may be the day you let mommy know you are here. My tummy is icky and the pain is steady in one spot. I took that test to tell me when you get here and I hope I'm not crazy. I think I see something there but no one else can. I think its you sweet little pea! I really think you have been listening to your mommy. I will try again tomorrow to see if you can knock a little louder for us. Knock louder baby! I can't wait to see if this is you at my door. I love you so much and the love is intense right now. I hope you can feel it if you are getting snug inside. Please be you. Please say hi to mommy. I love you!

(If this is our little miracle I am 8dpo today)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

May 5th

May 5th
Dear Someday Baby,
Good morning my sweet thought. As I write this all I can do is think I feel you tapping on my heart. Are you knocking baby? All I can do is wait for you to tell me. Is that you in there my sweet little miracle? Tell me soon so mommy can stop worrying that something is wrong with me. The pains have moved and I'm just praying you are knocking. I want nothing more than to meet you. Please come home soon. Mommy is waiting very patiently for you sweet baby. A kiss for everyday I wait for you.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

May 4th

May 4th
Dear Someday Baby,
I think mommy is getting a cold. But that doesn't stop her from thinking about you often. That just means I get to dream about you more. I just wish you were here to keep me company and make me feel better. Maybe we will hear from you soon little one and then you will make everything all better. I wish I knew if it was you I am feeling inside. I feel little pains in my tummy and all I can hope for is that you are getting cozy. Give us a sign baby. Give mommy some hope. I love you.

Monday, May 3, 2010

May 3rd

May 3rd
Dear Someday Baby,
Mommy is very lonely without you today baby. I wish you could show her you will be here soon so I could count down the days till I knew you were safe in my tummy. I hope you will be here soon baby. I hope you will let mommy know you have arrived and are strong. I don't know what I'll do without you. Everyday that goes by mommy loves you more and more and I wish I could show you how much. We will have the most amazing journey together baby. Just you and me for a while. I'm so happy I get you all to myself for weeks and weeks baby. Mommy has become very sad and I need you to light up my world. Please be here soon baby. Mommy hurts so much without you.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

May 2nd

May 2nd
Dear someday baby,
Mommy talked about wanting you all night baby. I think even daddy is so anxious to see you too he's making some changes to get you here faster. He doesn't like to see mommy hurting without you. Daddy loves you so much too baby. He can't wait to feel you kick for the first time and listen to your strong heart beat when we sit on the couch at night. We can't wait to watch you grow baby. We can't wait to know you are going to be ok. We hope to hear from you soon little someday baby. Someday. Love mommy and daddy.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

A New Path

I have decided, with the advice of a fellow ttc mommy wannabe, that it may be a nice and memorable idea to write to my someday rainbow baby. I will write to my future bundle everyday until I am PG. God willing if/when it happens I will then write to my growing babe. I thought this may be a good way to deal with every day and month after month of struggling to be patient with DF. Although I feel like I no longer possess an ounce of patience, I will try to take this 'dealing' time and focus more on it, then the task at hand. Let's see how day number one of Dear Someday Baby goes...

May 1st
Dear Someday Baby,
Someday I know you will come to me. One day I will take that test and you will have lit up every cell in my body with hope, happiness and the most overwhelming love you will ever know. I hope you make it thru a very long journey with me baby. I hope I get to take you home. I will think about you everyday until I have you in my belly. I will fight to get you there. I won't ever give up on you baby. Because I already love you like nothing I've ever loved before. I dream of hearing your heart beat for the first time and that picture I get to take home. I will see you and everything bad in my life will go away. You will bring your mommy so much joy and take away so much heart ache baby. Please come to me. I would love to be your mommy. I love you little someday baby. Mommy loves you so very much.