Friday, August 12, 2011

Gianna's Birth Story - Take 1

So, it has taken me almost 7 months after the birth of my daughter to finally get on here and write something. For those of you i used to talk to frequently, I apologize. Things were so rough while I was pregnant with her and afterwards they only got worse, in a way.
I ended up going C-section, like I had imagined for about half the pregnancy. It was apparently inevitable. I don't know how to explain it but I never had that 'vision' of having her vaginally. I never imagined pushing her out. I don't know why. It was just not in the cards for how I saw things going I guess. With all the sickness and pain maybe down inside I wanted the 'easy way out' of childbirth. Not that a cesarean is an easy thing to get thru but you all know what I meant. Anyway, on to the story...
My last couple appts at the dr yielded little if nothing in the world of progression. Finally the day before my 40 weeks was here, I had opened up just a tiny bit. I was over the moon and he he sent me in for the start of my induction. Dun Da Da Duuu! (Or however you write that announcement ;)
As much as I didn't want the induction and knew it would probably end in my demise of a cesarean, I went for it anyway. The pain I felt from the SPD was actually worse than the Pitocin if you can believe that. And that S**T was horrible!!! Getting there... Hang on.
I was sent to the hospital that night for ripening with Cervadil. I was told that this could speed up dilation and effacement and I could even have the baby that night! Of course my dumb little ass was thinking happy thoughts after I heard this. A smack was necessary at that point. Well needless to say I went all night with NOTHING and when the dr came in that morning to check it was no surprise. He just shook his head and proceeded to break my water.
After he did this EXTREMELY painful procedure he announced that baby had 'poopied' in the water and we would have to have her suctioned as soon as she was out to avoid risk of infection. Of course this put my heart in my throat. After all, there was no more room in my stomach ;)
Round 1. The start of awesome fricktastic things that would open the gate to the rest of the day. I think everyone is catching on to how fantabulous my labor went... Can ya?? Huh? Huh?? Yeaaaaaaaaa.... So, I was reassured that baby would be fine but they wouldn't let me go over 24 hours because it would put her at risk. And the countdown begins!
Pitocin drip was started and the glorious pain of 5 minute long contractions with about 35 seconds reprieve in between was under way. Someone just kill me. I had laid, sat and suffered in that more than ridiculously uncomfortable hospital bed all night with my already intense SPD pain and now this. I think I got thru 3 hours of the drip before I was asked if I saw an epidural in my future. Annnnnnnnnnnd my answer after 4 times of the nurse reducing the drip because my 'contractions are so close together' (um hmm) was YES! I felt like I could go a lot longer but figured why? at this point. I can't move to make them lessen because of all the pain my pelvis was in and they are obviously only going to get worse.
This too was something I had foreseen not going as planned. I had an epidural administered when I was 19. I was in a rear-end accident and have a buldging disc as a result. The drs thought an epi would numb me up, for a while at least, to give me some relief from the pain. Needless to say it didn't freakin' work! As soon as I came out of the twilight sleep I was in I was in horrible pain and knew exactly where they had stuck me with there gigantor needle in my spine! I just didn't see this time turning out any better and man was I ever right. They had another nurse come in and 'instruct' me. I say instruct with ' ' because she was a complete biotch and did a bang up job of telling me what to do. Let me back up and mention that I was really, REALLY, worked up over my fear of being awake and having that big ass needle going into my spine. I had been crying and shaking, etc. So you think this lady could have been slightly understanding... She kept telling me to scoot towards the head of the bed and I was really trying but was doing it at my own pace (which apparently was not effing fast enough for her schedule) because of my SPD pain. Well I scoot as high up and as far back as I can and she tells me it's not good enough and I need to scoot back more. Mind you I had nothing to move my damn self back any farther with. She shoves a chair in front of me and says use this to push off of. That would have been swell except for the fact that my 5'1' self had no more leg to reach the chair. So let me get this straight, as she is yelling at me to do this, you want me to scoot forward to scoot back right to where I am now?? Cause that's as far as my short little legs are gonna take me.
Fast forward- I get to a reasonable spot on the bed and they proceed to do they painful jabbing into my spine with their fingers. My husband is trying to talk to me and calm me down and this friggin nurse keeps cutting him off. Really lady?? Up and go somewhere!! They poke me with the numbing needle and then do the epi. I lived, yay for me, lol. So they lay me down and tell me I'll be good to go in 10 minutes. Or so they thought...


I can NOT believe it has taken me this long to get on here. I have had the biggest urge to write like you couldn't imagine. But... after a very lonely, long and lengthy recovery from having my precious baby girl it just hasn't happened. I am writing this as a prequel so when I have TIME, which is a word I don't see much of lately, I can write like I want to. I had to get on here and let anyone who still 'follows' my blog that I WILL RETURN! =-D
I miss you all and hope everyone is doing wonderful. I still don't know how to write people on here so please CBella if you see this, I JUST got notification of your comment in freaking March! Please let me know how you are! I can't wait to talk to you and everyone else. SOON!!!!
For now, here is a pic of Gigi from recently~~~~~~ Her 6 month pics that I did. Outfit - courtesy of one of my best friends.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Finally the End...

I know it's been forever since I've updated and for that I apologize. My intentions have been better than my actions. I've just been so worn down with trying to survive the days with the pain and sickness being so much worse. Mentally it's killing me.

I think I last reported, besides with my whining over the pain, at my 35 week appt. Since then things have been a struggle. Yes, a bigger one than the last 30 weeks. The pain has increased to the most intolerable level imaginable now that baby girl has slipped down into my pelvis completely.

I went in for my 37 week check-up hoping for nothing but good news about dilation and effacement only to walk out in pain and tears of disappointment. The dr couldn't even reach my cervix. That meant no progress whatsoever and not ONE step closer to the end of this suffering.
I kept some hope for my next appt only to be slammed even harder into the ground by the same thing. She was still so high up that nothing could be touched. No stripping, no chance for that 39 week induction that I was praying for. This all meant I had to make it another week and at this point I feared another after that. I grew numb. I gave up hope and started pondering a cesarean because it seemed like it may be my only option.

I started giving up all hope and the thoughts were taking their toll. The pain I was experiencing was too much. I just didn't have it in me to to keep going. What the hell was I going to do?

Well it seems that giving up for me is key... When I finally gave up with trying to get pregnant we got the most incredible surprise - My little miracle Gianna. It seems in order to get anywhere I need to lose all hope in things. Isn't that ironic??

Well my 39 week appt went much better to say the least. I had been having cramping and back pain for the last few days and apparently it was a sign of progress :) Cervix is finally coming down and I was at 1.5 cm! You would think the news would make me respond in some ridiculously happy way but I was literally so numb going into it that it didn't even hit me. We discussed my options - I now had options! The plan of action is to see me on Monday, if I make it that long, and induce Tuesday if I did. I was hoping that wouldn't be the case but here it is Monday morning at 1am and no baby. So it looks like I will be inducing on my due date first thing tomorrow morning.

It finally hit me after the appointment tho. I got outside and had this weight lifted off my shoulders and I felt this sense of 'FREE'. I smiled :) It was followed by this deep sense of "OMG this is finally happening. I'm finally going to have this baby and finally be a mother." I had and still have no clue what to do with these emotions I'm feeling and they intensify everyday. I thought that for the last 9 months I would have felt this way, afterall, I have been pregnant this whole time right?? I guess from being almost there so many times before that the end of things was never something I was able to feel.

I'm going to be a mommy. It still seems surreal for me but now it's hitting home that it's going to happen. I still don't understand how to handle these emotions but as the days have crept closer and the reality becomes stronger, all I can think is 'wow'. I'm going to see this child. Alive. Moving. Her skin will be pink and her body chubby. She will breathe her first breath. She will cry. I will be able to look into her eyes and see her face. For the first time I get to see my child's face. It's so much more than I can imagine. It feels so sweet and it's not even mine yet. But it will be this time. This time I get what I've struggled for so many years for. My suffering has not been for nothing. I gave every ounce of strength I had to reach this point for something wonderful and it was not done in vain. And when I know the time is here I will give every last bit of me to bring her into the world. To be mine. My own little piece of wonder and joy. Something I've always been so far away from. Finally the End is mine :)

O and btw I've gotten huge! =D


Thursday, December 30, 2010

35 week appt update

Had my Group B strep test done today (yuck! lol). And my first cervical check. Nothing of course, why would I be so lucky. Well they are saying that our little chubb monster is around 6 lbs 9 oz. Yea... at 35 weeks I just about had a heart attack. Do the math and she will be 9 lbs by my due date! Is this for real?! My concern has now been turned up a notch but the dr said they don't give it a second thought unless she's at the 95th percentile and lil miss is only, ONLY *rolling eyes, at the 84th.
I'm praying that they are off by at least a lb and that baby girl is just super chubby and not super HUGE! I've already given up all hope for a natural birth because of the SPD but am I going to be able to get this kid out if she is indeed going to be that big??? It's making me cringe I have to admit lol. Let's just hope she comes out soon huh... Glad I didn't buy any newborn sized clothes because it's not looking like she'll be at all on the small side of things.
Then again they were a lb off with my nephew so maybe we will have the same luck! He was thought to be 7.2 at his 37 week appt and came out a tiny 7 lbs even after 39 weeks. Here's to hoping!!!!!!!!


35 weeks


Sunday, December 12, 2010

PAIN!! Plz be over soon

Here I go complaining for the millionth and 1 time... Sorry girls.
Ever since baby dropped in my late 31st week I have been in quadruple the amount of pain I was in previous. Let's just say I was already suffering before so if there's any real way to explain my situation now it's #&)&)_%!&)*_!&)&@_#!!!!!!!!!! Walking is barely an option anymore. Sitting... sigh... I move around more than a stripper on stage. Laying, HA! That's about all I have to say about that. It's the worst, most painful thing you can possibly do with SPD. Trying to turn over feels like someone put hooks in your pubic parts and is pulling you by them. You can't put a pillow between your legs (to help with my slipped disc problem) because any more separation of the pubic bones than absolutely necessary makes the pain worse.
How else can I try to describe it??? It feels like your pelvic bone is broken in a few pieces and you aer being forced to live without having them heal. The ligaments are mush and nothing, literally nothing, is holding your weight or the baby's extra weight. Gravity is your enemy. Even getting in the pool doesn't help like you'd think because the water makes your tummy bouyant and pulls the belly up away from the pubic part which is painful. And getting out of the water feels like your bottom half is made of solid lead and the world is trying to push your pelvis 10 feet into the ground.
Needless to say I'm not getting a lot of sleep and I cry several times a day because it's just so frustrating to be in this kind of pain all day and not being able to relieve it. Even tho warm water helps; tanding in the shower and sitting in the tub is painful. The heating pad offers little; mostly just sweat. Sitting on my stay ball has even become uncomfortable because baby beats up the pubic parts anytime I'm not completely stretched out. It's become difficult to sit with. She is very low and feels lodged in the bones which she hits a lot. Her kicks have become extremely powerfull also and I cringe all day long from those too.
I am not cut out for this. I hate it that I can't enjoy being pregnant like I should. I have to face facts; God did not have a very good mold for me when he gave me a uterus and said this one will be a girl. It shouldn't surprise me too much I guess. My mother had horrible pregnancies and my kid sister followed in her footsteps both times now. It has been somewhat comforting to share this with my sister tho. She has been horribly sick and has had the SPD for a while now too. All I can say is I know it will be over soon but it doesn't feel like soon enough right now. Baby #2 is not going to be planned for quite some time :(

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Just a hello and a little dilema

In the last couple weeks baby seems to have lowered herself into my nether regions. She's become extremely powerful and her 'pushing' on the tummy is becoming pretty uncomfortable. I can now breathe easier which is nice, but the cervical pressure is awful. The low back pain has become constant and the pelvic pain has definitely been turned up a notch or two. Baby girl has also been hitting my pelvic bone a lot which isn't a fun feeling.

Wow I wish I had something better to report. I guess this is more of a vent for the new things that have been happening. I'm really hoping that her recent movement is a sign for a quick future. I would give a lot for her to make her debut in about 4 weeks but I know she will come when she's ready. Needless to say, mommy is ready.

I am trying to get Nick on the bandwagon to understanding my need for labor support. I can tell he's not completely ok with having someone he doesn't know there when our baby is born. I am going to rent The Business of Being Born for him to watch so maybe he can see and hear it from a different perspective. The last thing I want is for him to be uncomfortable for the biggest moment of his life. But I really need someone there that 'gets it'. I need the attention that he's not educated enough to give me. I need someone who has been thru it all before. A girl. A voice of reason so I can focus on me and my body instead of everything around me.

I was very confident about getting thru labor naturally before I had such a rough past 8 months. Now, I need that confidence to come from someone else when I lose it. I know at this point I will be very worn out and quick. I haven't been able to exercise and prepare my body for what it will be facing. My SPD has limited me to less than routine activities and being sick has made me not want to think about anything else but making that go away. I need this and I wish I could get him to understand that. I know that from talking to him about my needs is not getting thru to him. When I tell him what a doula does he gives me the blank stare. When I tell him they help me birth the baby he acts like I just said I was going to hop on a plane to Hawaii. He's a man and doesn't get it. I just wish he would try to get this.

O the list of worries that seem to be piling up on me... I know I can't please everyone but I need to do what's good for me and baby too.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Perfect Wedding Day :)

My wedding day turned out to be absolutely perfect! I couldn't have asked for a better day. After a horrible start to the day, the downward spiral finally turned around and the dark cloud disappeared. I forgot everything. My hair comb for my veil, the necklaces I was supposed to give my bridal party to wear, my personalized cake topper even! I made my bouquets in the hotel last minute after my hair and make-up were done. My mom, sister and I filled the table favors with mints. It was all insane. And to top things off I was almost 2 hours late getting there. Took a 'wrong turn' and had to back track. I was almost in tears on the way there. But then I got a text that the soon-to-be hubs was just picking up the cake! Haha.
So I finally get there and put my dress on in the parking lot! Yep, I did it lol. By the time everyone was settled and we knew Nick was in place everything just came together. I mean what was really left to screw up after that? ;) Anyway, I didn't think I'd feel the nervous jitters but I got them right after the flowers girls started walking. It was a great feeling. I think if you don't have that then there's no excitement to the moment or the whole meaning of the amount of devotion you are about to give. I don't remember that feeling so much with my first husband. I don't know what to think of that... Also, only about half the number of people I thought would be there were. So I drove myself insane worrying about accomodating everyone when I didn't need to. Grrr.
I will say that the vows my aunt (she married us) created could not have been said better. She made me cry and even Nick!!!! I was in awe over this. They were very personal and very deep. Not the traditional lines or anything anyone has ever heard before. They were really awesome. Our kiss was pretty great too! It felt a lot more emotional than anything we shared in a long time. After that we did tons of photos and very much enjoyed doing them which is unusal for Nick. I had one of my best friends fly all the way from North Carolina to be my photographer! Dawn and her husband are one of the top notch professionals in their area and I couldn't have asked for a better gift. It was amazing to meet her finally. We met years ago on What To Expect and share so much in common. It was an absolute joy to meet her little miracle Greyson. He was just too cute and such a wonderful baby. I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to have them there and so thankful that she would have offered such a thing to us. I can't say enough great things about them. I miss them. A lot! I never thought I could form a bond so strong just through chatting on the internet and phone. When they got here it was like I had known them forever. I can't wait to spend time with them again. I was a little heart broken when they had to leave.
On top of all her wonderful givings, she did a maternity shoot for me while she was here. The couple pics she gave me to tide me over until she has time to go through all the others are so breath taking. I was, and still am, absolutely speechless at how beautiful she made me and made me feel. I'll post a few pics of the wedding and then make another post for the maternity shoot. I can't wait to see all the gorgeous photos from 2 very special days. I can't thank her enough for what she has done and being the kindest, sweetest person I've ever known.
On an end note... things have been really great for a while now after our big day. My new husband seems a little more caring and loving. He has been a little less cranky even on his 20 hour work days. It's nice to have a piece of him back that I thought I lost. I know now that things will be even better once our daughter is here. That is a moment I simply cannot wait for; when I get to see him hold his baby girl for the first time. I know he's going to cry like a little girl and it's a memory that will stick in my mind forever =]