Sunday, January 16, 2011

Finally the End...

I know it's been forever since I've updated and for that I apologize. My intentions have been better than my actions. I've just been so worn down with trying to survive the days with the pain and sickness being so much worse. Mentally it's killing me.

I think I last reported, besides with my whining over the pain, at my 35 week appt. Since then things have been a struggle. Yes, a bigger one than the last 30 weeks. The pain has increased to the most intolerable level imaginable now that baby girl has slipped down into my pelvis completely.

I went in for my 37 week check-up hoping for nothing but good news about dilation and effacement only to walk out in pain and tears of disappointment. The dr couldn't even reach my cervix. That meant no progress whatsoever and not ONE step closer to the end of this suffering.
I kept some hope for my next appt only to be slammed even harder into the ground by the same thing. She was still so high up that nothing could be touched. No stripping, no chance for that 39 week induction that I was praying for. This all meant I had to make it another week and at this point I feared another after that. I grew numb. I gave up hope and started pondering a cesarean because it seemed like it may be my only option.

I started giving up all hope and the thoughts were taking their toll. The pain I was experiencing was too much. I just didn't have it in me to to keep going. What the hell was I going to do?

Well it seems that giving up for me is key... When I finally gave up with trying to get pregnant we got the most incredible surprise - My little miracle Gianna. It seems in order to get anywhere I need to lose all hope in things. Isn't that ironic??

Well my 39 week appt went much better to say the least. I had been having cramping and back pain for the last few days and apparently it was a sign of progress :) Cervix is finally coming down and I was at 1.5 cm! You would think the news would make me respond in some ridiculously happy way but I was literally so numb going into it that it didn't even hit me. We discussed my options - I now had options! The plan of action is to see me on Monday, if I make it that long, and induce Tuesday if I did. I was hoping that wouldn't be the case but here it is Monday morning at 1am and no baby. So it looks like I will be inducing on my due date first thing tomorrow morning.

It finally hit me after the appointment tho. I got outside and had this weight lifted off my shoulders and I felt this sense of 'FREE'. I smiled :) It was followed by this deep sense of "OMG this is finally happening. I'm finally going to have this baby and finally be a mother." I had and still have no clue what to do with these emotions I'm feeling and they intensify everyday. I thought that for the last 9 months I would have felt this way, afterall, I have been pregnant this whole time right?? I guess from being almost there so many times before that the end of things was never something I was able to feel.

I'm going to be a mommy. It still seems surreal for me but now it's hitting home that it's going to happen. I still don't understand how to handle these emotions but as the days have crept closer and the reality becomes stronger, all I can think is 'wow'. I'm going to see this child. Alive. Moving. Her skin will be pink and her body chubby. She will breathe her first breath. She will cry. I will be able to look into her eyes and see her face. For the first time I get to see my child's face. It's so much more than I can imagine. It feels so sweet and it's not even mine yet. But it will be this time. This time I get what I've struggled for so many years for. My suffering has not been for nothing. I gave every ounce of strength I had to reach this point for something wonderful and it was not done in vain. And when I know the time is here I will give every last bit of me to bring her into the world. To be mine. My own little piece of wonder and joy. Something I've always been so far away from. Finally the End is mine :)

O and btw I've gotten huge! =D



  1. Ahh, thanks for making me cry and totally re-live that feeling when I saw Cullen for the first time. :] It's unimaginable, honey. I am so happy for you and so proud that you have made it this for. You will be an amazing mama. I love you!

  2. Hope all is well with baby G. :) Please post pictures soon! I can't wait to see that beautiful baby of yours! In less than 13 weeks I'll get to meet my beautiful Eliza!