I'm sure everyone can understand the build up to that awful yet beautiful day.
The day after we got the news from the doctor, who we were grateful called us back at 8:30 pm on a Thursday night, called again the next morning. "I need you to change the day to Tuesday. Monday is no good." Ok I said. (Great! Now I get to think about this for another whole day.) "I checked with the delivery staff and it is not in your best interest to go until Tuesday. The girls on staff will not be supportive because of the situation. You don't need anyone to make this any harder on you then it already is." I wanted to say "because I'm killing my baby who will die in my womb at some point in the next couple weeks. I get it." They didn't want a baby killer in their hospital bed. Neither did I. So let's call it off!
Tuesday it was... And I was forever grateful for it.
I broke down Sunday night because he moved for the last time in my belly. I don't know how I knew that it was time to say good bye, but I did. I grabbed Nick's hand and put it to my belly and just cried.
Monday morning I felt like I had been hit by a truck and everything I did seemed slow motion. I felt like I did not blink once the entire day. I did not speak. I did not do much of anything. Just waited... I went to sleep on the empty, unpainted nursery floor by myself that night curled up with the soft blanket I bought to wrap my tiny baby boy in.
4 am - If I did get any amount of sleep I guess you can say this is when I woke up. I felt drugged. The thought ran through my head to just hide in the room and be still and quiet. Maybe no one would find me there.
5 am - Grabbed Beldon's blanket and held it all the way to the car. I felt like I had heavy chains attached to my ankles and I was dragging weight behind me. I tried not to think so I just stared ahead. It didn't work. The tears flowed...
5:30 am - I pictured what I wanted to say to him as he drove. "Please take me home. Please take us home". I did not want to go. I did not want to give up the baby in my belly. I wanted to panic. Maybe he's still alive! Maybe I was wrong and now I am going to be the one to stop his heart. We had been over it a million times in the last week. The longer I waited to say good-bye the harder I knew it was going to be. But that logic was nowhere to be found.
5:56 am - Arrival at the hospital. The drop off at the entrance. I wanted to run. I saw myself doing it. Felt the jerky movements as I fled from the awfulness. But there I stood feeling like a murderer. I sat down and waited for Nick to come thru the hospital doors trying not to look at the Labor sign on the wall. The sign I needed to walk to and do the unspeakable. I waited for someone to rescue me and no one ever came.
6:05 am - The lady at the front desk just looked at me. I couldn't make eye contact. Answered her questions... Wait! Did she really need to ask me what my EDD was?!?! That felt like a cruel and sick joke. I had a sign on my head that read "I'm here to kill my baby". Doesn't anyone see it?!
6:30 am - Dressed in my gown. I stood with Nick against the window and cried. I felt like if I got into bed I was giving them permission to take him. I couldn't do that. I waited to hear the nurse come in. Someone is going to have to strap me in if they want me to stay here. IV stick. Fluids. Wait.
7:15 am - Dr. Latchaw comes in to give me his best and says he'll be back later. "These things usually happen fast so I'm sorry if I'm not here when it happens." I wanted to tell him I changed my mind and that I just wanted to go home. But I shook my head and tried not to cry in front of him. Every time I did I swore he was on the verge of tears. I felt like I needed to be strong for both of us.
8 am - Heather, my main nurse, starts telling me everything I need to know. She sounded like an angel. "We will insert tablets called Cytotc right near the cervix. This will dialate you and start the labor. I have a tiny hat we can put on him if you wish. (Of course I wanted the hat. We didn't buy one because we knew he would be too tiny for anything bought in a store. I was thrilled.) We will do whatever you wish. We will take him as soon as he's out or we can hand him right to you." Take my baby away!? They must not have told you why I'm here! I WANT this baby. I'm not doing this because I don't want him. I'm doing this because I want him. I want to have him. To hold him in my arms. I don't want him to suffer in my tummy. He may not feel pain but the longer I let him stay and not develop right the more he will suffer and I will suffer later. I love my baby. I knew his heart beat no longer and still I felt like I was taking his sweet life. I was helpless. I couldn't help my baby. I couldn't take his illness away. And now I couldn't make his heart beat just once more. I told her I wished to hold him and she said they would just wash him off for me. I said ok, even though i was terrified they would leave with him and I'd never see him again. She left. I cried.
8:40 am - My first round of every 4 hour insertions. No turning back. Now we wait. Wait for the pain and my baby to arrive.
12:45 pm - Not feeling great but not in pain either. My second round.
3:10 pm - Ok that feels like pain! A dose of some relax meds and some pain meds. I didn't want to sleep but I was so tired and mentally drained. Just enough to take the edge off. The older nurse kept suggesting an epidural but I told her no. The pain meds would be enough. (I hoped.)
4:45 pm - Nick is about to leave to go take care of the cats and a much needed break. The nurse comes in to check me out before he leaves. "She feels completely soft but I'm not feeling the cervix. Don't go anywhere. This could happen in the next 40 minutes - 2 hours." (Not a chance. )Back in 10 minutes with order from the doctor for another round of Cytotec.
6:45 pm - Fighting thru the blur and the pain the doctor arrives to check me. He pushes up inside and it feels like the worst pain ever. The nurse trys to "help" and pushes down on my abdomen to help him feel my cervix. Are you trying to rip the baby out or push him into my throat?! I want to die. This isn't what I was expecting! I'm having contractions that feel like someone is pouring burning hot lava onto my uterus and you are doing what?! Dr, "The baby is so far up. I can't feel your cervix at all. Looks like this may go all night." I was told to take more pain meds as the older nurse pleaded with me to get the epidural. "It may help you relax and let the baby come down. I didn't want to feel anymore tired but after that... just give me the pain meds! I was told to call if I felt any pressure or anything like I had to have a bowel movement. How am I supposed to feel anything when I'm all doped up like this???? Sleep came for me then.
7:30 pm - Wake up. Sis is going home. If the baby drops she'll be right back. My mother goes to walk her out. Nick asks me if I'm hungry. I turned down dinner earlier. Sure. Food sounds good. I just have to pee. He stays to see me safely to the bathroom. I tell him I'll stay here until he gets back. He starts to clean up the room a bit, changes my bed pad that is now soaked with blood and fluid. I sit and think "if only the door had a lock I'd lock myself in and just stay here till I died". I am in no pain. Why can't I relax enough to pee???
7:40 pm - I start to pee. "Wait. What is that? That's not right. O God!" I look down and out comes my baby. I reach to catch him for fear he will go into the water. I hold him in my hand. I don't know if I want to scream or just be alone. I look at him with fuzzy eyes. What is wrong with my baby?! Where is his face??? I call softly for Nick but my voice must have been shaky. He opens the door and jolts at the site of me holding my bloody baby in my hand. He runs to snap on gloves and grab a towel as he yells for a nurse. Anybody! I stare at the ground. Unable to look at my baby. Why?! As I hand Nick the baby to put him in the towel I dive for something else. The placenta! I knew if I didn't grab it the baby would be yanked from his hands. I grab it and hand it to Nick too. The nurse runs in. He hands the baby to her and I sit. I couldn't cry. I couldn't move. What just happened??? Where is my baby?? The nurse cleans off my hand and I stare at the blood on the floor. She cleans me up and I'm taken back to bed. Nick calls my mom and sis and leaves a message for them to come back now.
How did I stay so calm? How did i know it was my baby? Why am I not crying?!
My mom and sis come back in and all I could say was "I didn't feel him." I repeated it over and over.
Born asleep at 7:40 pm on Feb 9, 2010 weighing a mere 1.2 ounces and a tiny 13 cm long.
The nurse came in with my baby. I was scared. Scared of seeing my own baby? I took him from the nurse as she told me to call her when I wanted her to take him back. Why would I want you to take him? And then I remembered... My baby's face was not there. His head was mishappen. What happened to my little boy? He was so thin and so much smaller than I had imagined. Not the tiny baby I expected. Nick explained to my mom and sis before they looked at him that we had lost him a day or so before and between my body and the contractions he was not the little baby they expected to see either. I kept telling Nick how sorry i was that I didn't know. That I didn't feel our baby. I was so mad at myself. So mad at my body for doing what it did to my baby.
I kept him with me for hours. Nick left to run some errands. After a while my mom and sis left too. My aunt who had arrived just a little while ago had left. When Nick returned I had the nurse take the baby I had longed to see and say good bye to. We said good bye to our little angel.
Nick made all the funeral plans the next day. We had a very short visit with him. No words were said. I broke down. I shouldn't be here! Why am I here?! I couldn't do anything but cry. I couldn't take the pictures I wanted to take to remember the day. I couldn't say the words I wanted to say to send him to his resting place. What kind of mother was I. And then Nick grabbed my hand and I understood... I was a grieving mother.
My baby was put into the ground on Feb 12, 2010 where he can lay peacefully with other angels. Mommy and Daddy love you so much little baby. Our Beldon.