18 week update

So we had our secondary round of screening tests; my triple screen. And I am the happiest person in the world to say that every single one came back a 1:5,000 chance. She is perfectly healthy and she will be meeting us in 22 weeks! (give or take lol). Our level II came back perfect too. She is measuring exactly 18 weeks and has been on target at every visit. She is also weighing in well according to their estimates. She's a little over 8 oz. It's amazing that we lost our little B at this stage and he was so incredibly small at just 1.2 oz. I can only imagine how he would have looked if he was her size now. It's been very bittersweet.
I had a horrible panic attack when it hit me that we lost B just a day before and I had this overwhelming feeling of "I'm going to lose my little girl". I felt like if something horrible was going to happen that moment right there was going to be it. Once I calmed down and could breathe again I had to tell myself that he's not going to let anything happen to his little sister. We are already so much farther with testing and her size that it seemed silly to be upset at all. But when I thought about my little boy I just died a little. It's so hard to be joyous and excited about Gianna when I miss my baby boy so much. But I know I need to give her all of what I couldn't give him and now everyday I try to put that into how I feel. She deserves me to be the happiest mommy ever. She is giving me everything that I lost with Beldon and I need to be thankful for that and not dwell on my loss.
And a HUGE P.S. - I felt my first kicks after my appt!!!!!!. I think that was GiGi was telling mommy she was there and that she was ok :)

PINK or BLUE?!?!?!

Well since I've been a HUGE slacker... everyone already knows that we are team PINK! We are having a baby girl and couldn't be more excited. Of course we just wanted a perfectly healthy baby above all but there is always a little wish for a boy or girl. I think your personality and dreams sometimes just push you towards a certain sex. Nick and I always talked about pink, pink, pink and girl, girl, girl but I realized when we found out our little Beldon was in fact a boy, that the sex really didn't matter. We would've given anything to make that baby ok and keep him to love as our first born. The disappointment in gender definitely disappeared when we had Beldon with us.
But like I said, we are elated to be having a daughter!!! Her name will be Gianna Marie and daddy and I call her GiGi (or miss GiGi) for a nickname. I will totally admit I like girl clothes better than boy clothes and I'm so thrilled I get to buy frilly dresses :) My biggest joy will be seeing Nick with his baby girl. I know he will be so protective of her and it means so much to me because I never had that from my father. I adored him but he wasn't my protector and I want my little girl to have that more than anything. A mother to be there to talk about boys and girl problems that only a mommy understands, but a father to play rough with and to teach her all about football and cars and fishing. I want her to be into everything possible and luckily that was something I did get from my father. There is just nothing sweeter in the world for a mother to witness than a daddy and his baby girl wrapped safely in his big arms. I cry just thinking about it.

Our baby is H.E.A.L.T.H.Y!!!!!!!!!!!

H.E.A.L.T.H.Y.- The only word I've ever wished for with every single piece of my heart and soul. It has finally come true. The thought that I may actually get to bring my baby home is overwhelming!
I will not see the dr for another week or so but the test results came back with NO FLAGS! This means I did not screen high risk for anything. I should be throwing the biggest party in the world, I know, but this was just the top of the hill. I still have to make it all the way down without falling. They will do one more set of tests in a few weeks and then a detailed u/s. If we clear these 2 humps I cannot imagine any reason I will not hear the cries of my newborn baby in less than 6 months :) Everyone has told me to sit back, relax and just enjoy the rest of this, but until that baby is safe in my arms sitting back is not an option. Relaxing? Well I'm going to try to do a little more of that. I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my mind and heart. I feel confident which is something I never felt with Beldon.
After such a long journey it still seems like a far away dream for me to be holding that little bundle. I still can't seem to get it to sink in that I will feel kicks and hiccups in a few weeks. That I will get to see my baby grow and get to know pink or blue! I will get to watch my belly grow and daddy can feel the baby move for the first time. Just writing it out seems like a fantasy. It's been a dream for so long I don't know how to feel any other way about it. Have you ever dreamed about something for so long, something that felt out of reach, and then have it right there in front of your face?? You really just don't know what to do with it! It will hit me soon enough I'm sure but for now I will go to sleep and keep dreaming of the day I get to hold my beautiful, healthy baby in my arms.

July 10th - This day was supposed to be different

It's that day. The day that I was supposed to be begging my little boy to 'come out already'. Beldon's due date was as hard as I expected. I was supposed to be so close to holding my sweet little baby boy and instead a visit to his gravesite must suffice. I thought the urn on the mantle containing my husbands' ashes would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to look at. If only I would have known then that there were much harder days ahead to endure.
I can still picture how I would have painted his nursery; the outfit I would have chosen to bring him home in. I can picture holding him and even imagine the joy that I would have felt when he cried for the first time. I would have picked out his daddy's nose and my long eyelashes. I would have held him close and breathed in his sweet baby smell. I would have watched his father hold him in awe and that single tear roll down his face. I would tell him how much I loved him and how long daddy and me waited for this moment. But all that will remain the dream it always was. I will never get to see my son like that. I will never get to see life in him. Never get to see his eyes open wide or hear his voice. I'll never get to smell his skin or change his diapers. The nevers hurt so much more than I thought.
I held my baby without life for a brief moment. I wish I would have at least gotten to see his face. I wish he had been plump and beige, not thin and red. I can't get over the wishes, the nevers, the cant's. But I thank you sweet baby, for giving me the gift you've given. The wishes, nevers and cant's that I will now get to have will never replace you, but I promise to pour every ounce of love I have for you into this new life. I promise to be a better mother, mentor and friend because of the gift you have given me. The strength to be these things is only because of you. You've given me the greatest gifts in the world. I can never give enough back to you. Mommy loves you and I will never forget one moment I had with you.

12 weeks 2 day appt & update

Today was a very big day for me. I had my NT scan and my screening tests today. I don't get the results back for a week or so and I'll be on pins and needles till then. Even though I know nothing of how the appt went, I got to see my little baby. I got to hear the heart beat and see baby moving. It was a very different experience then with Beldon. Baby looked different and acted different. I just felt different when I saw baby this time. I really think everything will be ok. I think I will get to take this entire ride and get to hold a crying, breathing baby at the end. But until that happens, until I hear those swwet words, it's gonna be a hard week for me.

Just a little bit of how things have been going... I have the spotting again; brown so I have not had any real concern but still want it to go away. It was just here and there a day or two before and this time it's been over a week. Really not happy about not getting any answers about why it's happening either but that's my life. As long as baby is in no danger then mommy will be ok.

The vomiting and nausea have been anything but kind to me. Going on 6 non-stop weeks now. I don't know if I'll get lucky at all and have this end before 9 months is up. All I can do is pray and deal like with everything else. I think I have felt a few flutters but of course Nick says I'm crazy because everything is by the book for him. Can't tell you how mad that makes me. He's so open minded about everything else and then this, which he knows nothing about other than what he's heard, he's a big dummy. Other than that, not too much of anything new to update with. It almost feels 'boring' compared to my last pregnancy lol. But I will take boring anyday!!

Asking for wishes and thought and prayers for nothing but good test results. I know the support I have on here is incredible and I always want everyone to know how much I appreciate it. Can't wait to update everyone with GOOD news soon!

Hyperemesis Gravidarum

The words I never wanted to hear again after watching my kid sis go thru what she did while pregnant with my niece: Hyperemesis Gravidarum. It is the most awful thing I could ever imagine to go thru outside of a disease. My sister was hospitalized over 30 times to get nausea and vomiting meds and fluids to rehydrate her after vomiting non-stop. That's just what the condition is... severe nausea and vomiting during pregnancy.

It seems to have hit me full force at 6 weeks and is only getting worse. I have already made 2 trips to the ER because nothing will stay down. If this goes on for too long it can cause a miscarriage. (The dehydration part.) So naturally I'm toughing it out as much as I can but if anyone has ever had this, you know you can only take so much. It's horrible. I'm completely miserable and I won't lie, I don't want to leave the hospital.

In a nut shell, there is not one second of the day or night that you do not have nausea. Sometimes it's intense enough to vomit and all the other seconds of the day you just don't know if you are going to vomit or not. You are starving but scared to eat. Nauseous but trying to eat for your baby's sake and the sake of the awful hunger pains to go away. You vomit pretty much everything you get down whether it be food or drink. You feel like death and honestly death sounds like your only way out at times.

I don't leave the house unless I have to. I'm never far from my puke bucket or a place to throw up because you never know when it will hit. There is no warning, you just vomit. There is no way to tell sometimes because the nausea is so bad all day that there is no deciphering the difference. This gets so bad for pregnant women that they have support groups just for the condition. Crazy right? It seems to run very high in the family and was so generously passed to me this time around. I thought I had it bad last time when I would get nauseous here and there. Now I'm never not nauseous!

On a good note this last trip... They looked at baby this time and we are measuring not 1 but 2 days ahead now! I don't know if I should be worried with Nick being nearly 10 lbs at birth lol! I guess we will see if this growing streak continues. They admitted me to keep watch for 24 hours which I was not expecting. My potassium was very low so they had to give me supplements for that. I had 3 bags of fluids and nothing to eat for 2 days. That part was awful. A cup of jello and some broth in 48 hours. My stomach was in so much pain.

I'm praying on everything good in the world that this ends after my first trimester. I'm not very faithful in this prayer tho because my mother and sister had it last the entire time. I mean puking while giving birth time. No breaks. No mercy. I must end this to get sick now... Bye.

My ultrasound went great!

This was not my first u/s but I did not get pics from the last one because gummy bear was just a blip on the screen. So here are my first pics!

So, baby is measuring a day ahead with a heart rate of 176. I guess we are keeping my EDD of Jan. 19th the same for now tho. I was 7 weeks 6 days Monday and baby came in at 8 weeks. I'm ecstatic about this because Beldon always measured small and it was nerve wracking. I'm also extremely nervous and anxious about my NT scan in 4 weeks. The NT or nuchal translucency test is an ultrasound where they look at the nape of the neck to check for any spine problems like spina bifida or a marker for Downs syndrome. Now with Beldon this test didn't come back with any problems so I'm feeling good about the scan. That same day tho I go for bloodwork to test for everything and that coincides with the scan. This is where we got the bad news about Beldon at 14 weeks :(

I know in my heart that everything will be ok but I also never thought something so bizarre as the Triploidy would happen to my baby either. So as confident as I am about our little bear, I am also on pins and needles until I get those results. The condition with Beldon was thankfully just 'one of those things' that sometimes happens and not likely to ever happen again so I'm definitely positive about things. That's all I can be at this point right? So here is to nothing but good news in 4-6 weeks :)