May 4th

May 4th
Dear Someday Baby,
I think mommy is getting a cold. But that doesn't stop her from thinking about you often. That just means I get to dream about you more. I just wish you were here to keep me company and make me feel better. Maybe we will hear from you soon little one and then you will make everything all better. I wish I knew if it was you I am feeling inside. I feel little pains in my tummy and all I can hope for is that you are getting cozy. Give us a sign baby. Give mommy some hope. I love you.

May 3rd

May 3rd
Dear Someday Baby,
Mommy is very lonely without you today baby. I wish you could show her you will be here soon so I could count down the days till I knew you were safe in my tummy. I hope you will be here soon baby. I hope you will let mommy know you have arrived and are strong. I don't know what I'll do without you. Everyday that goes by mommy loves you more and more and I wish I could show you how much. We will have the most amazing journey together baby. Just you and me for a while. I'm so happy I get you all to myself for weeks and weeks baby. Mommy has become very sad and I need you to light up my world. Please be here soon baby. Mommy hurts so much without you.

May 2nd

May 2nd
Dear someday baby,
Mommy talked about wanting you all night baby. I think even daddy is so anxious to see you too he's making some changes to get you here faster. He doesn't like to see mommy hurting without you. Daddy loves you so much too baby. He can't wait to feel you kick for the first time and listen to your strong heart beat when we sit on the couch at night. We can't wait to watch you grow baby. We can't wait to know you are going to be ok. We hope to hear from you soon little someday baby. Someday. Love mommy and daddy.

A New Path

I have decided, with the advice of a fellow ttc mommy wannabe, that it may be a nice and memorable idea to write to my someday rainbow baby. I will write to my future bundle everyday until I am PG. God willing if/when it happens I will then write to my growing babe. I thought this may be a good way to deal with every day and month after month of struggling to be patient with DF. Although I feel like I no longer possess an ounce of patience, I will try to take this 'dealing' time and focus more on it, then the task at hand. Let's see how day number one of Dear Someday Baby goes...

May 1st
Dear Someday Baby,
Someday I know you will come to me. One day I will take that test and you will have lit up every cell in my body with hope, happiness and the most overwhelming love you will ever know. I hope you make it thru a very long journey with me baby. I hope I get to take you home. I will think about you everyday until I have you in my belly. I will fight to get you there. I won't ever give up on you baby. Because I already love you like nothing I've ever loved before. I dream of hearing your heart beat for the first time and that picture I get to take home. I will see you and everything bad in my life will go away. You will bring your mommy so much joy and take away so much heart ache baby. Please come to me. I would love to be your mommy. I love you little someday baby. Mommy loves you so very much.

I know now that I made the right decision

I was introduced to a video the other day, and while I in NO way whatsoever think poorly of anyone who did not choose to terminate, after seeing this video, I now know the decision to terminate was the right one. I watched a mother give birth to a baby with with full Trisomy 13. He had a cleft and multiple internal issues. Heart, lungs, kidneys... I watched the mother bring this baby home and for 5 days her and her husband watched him struggle to live. They sent him home with oxygen and pain meds. Pain meds for a newborn baby, but they tell you they feel no pain from these anomalies. I cried the whole time I watched it and all I could think of was "Oh my God, how could you put your child thru all this pain just to have a few selfish days with them?". The baby had trouble breathing. His little heart would stop beating and then start up again. His lings would shut down over and over. They would cry over his death just to hear him gasp again a few seconds later. The child was in pain. He was struggling. And they watched. They let it happen. I just don't understand how someone could be so selfish. And I'm sorry if I sound judgemental because I'm not that person. But I felt physical pain for this child knowing that he was struggling and fighting for every second. i understand from the bottom of my heart the moment you give birth to that child you want to hear him cry. You want to see them move and open their eyes. What I don't understand is how you could know that child is going to be in pain and die in your arms and still put him through this.

I struggled with our decision to terminate very much but in my heart I knew even if he were to make it any longer he would never go to term. He would die in my womb. I had to ask myself how long I was willing to let the inevitable continue. I wanted to be selfish and carry him so I would have that much more time. I wanted to be selfish of my pregnancy and thought that I wanted to 'use up' the life he had left. I knew this was wrong. I knew it was wrong to let him suffer. Feeling pain or no pain, which no dr can prove to me, I couldn't imagine any longer that he was not developing correctly. His kidneys were not functioning. My placenta was not supporting him. There was barely any fluid left around him. These are just the things we knew, what about all the things we didn't know? I felt his pain. I was his mother and I knew I did not want my son to suffer. No one can tell me he was comfortable. I felt like he was suffocating. I thank God that he answered my prayers and took my son before I had to. It was everything I asked for. I wanted him to go peacefully. I couldn't imagine it any other way. And I'll never forget my husband telling me "I was a good mother for making the hardest decision for my son".

6 Week Check Up

Yesterday was my first check up since delivering my sweet angel. The dr checked my cervix and everything is good. I asked him a few questions, mostly about the hubby. We got a Rx to try to help things and when he is ready, which I hope is soon, the dr will send him for a SA (sperm analysis). This is just to put our minds at ease. Obviously there isn't an underlying issue with us getting pregnant, but some results from his end will give me some insight on things. Praying for good numbers and motility. (I just keep adding to my prayer list here lol). So now I'm just counting down the days, crossing my fingers and trying to take deep breaths as we return to this rough road of trying to get that healthy baby in our arms.
We did make a lot of progress today as I finally got some answers I needed from Nick. I realize I've done a lot of damage in the time before we got pregnant with Beldon. The importance of us being close and getting that baby over took some more important things like working together. There are a million things that had brought it to that point but it's just nice to see it now instead of not seeing it ever. I am hurt about it but glad that I now know what NOT to do. I just hope after our talk he understands how much I've changed from that mindset and am not trying to pressure him. It's amazing how such macho guys are so mentally sensitive. What posers! lol. I'm just glad to be at the point we have come to today. Without my little baby boy we may never have gotten here. Mommy can't help but keep thanking you for all that you've given her and continue to give her little man. I love you. Daddy may not say it but I know he loves you too.
We need prayers, so please think about us as we try to recover and make another huge miracle! Thanks.

Finally :)

After 3 agonizing weeks of waiting (2 weeks after the bleeding from delivery stopped plus another 3 till now), I finally started AF (aunt flo/menstruation). How ironic that I wanted it to stop then start again so soon lol. God it was such a relief! I Oed (ovulated) CD22 (cycle day22) and had no idea when it would start back up again. I was reading stories that it could be months before her return and I was so scared my body would not respond on its own. I never had problems getting back on schedule after my other losses before but knew I should expect something different after a delivery. It was hard to find information on the internet about induction/delivery and not have the article discuss mostly the baby and breast feeding. Not fun for a grieving mommy to read.
So... she is here and now I will go thru every day wondering how long it will last and will O be on time this month, will my late O change, will Nick be on track with BDing (baby dancing/sex)????? That's the biggest obstacle. The most important part about making another baby. The supposed-to-be-fun part of this whole thing. My biggest prayer for the next 3 weeks will be that he is ready to go at O time. I will have to keep my mouth shut about sex and babies and keep him as happy as I can to get thru this month. Does this ever end? Will I ever get my take-home baby?? Please God let Nick be 'with me' this month. Sigh... All I ever wanted was to be a mom. Now I feel like my time is running out. I know I can't dwell on the What Ifs but it's so hard not to ask the questions: Will I lose another baby? How long will it take us to get PG this time? Will Nick be cooperative? Will I have another stroke of bad luck? The questions go on forever... One baby. That's all I ask. Just 1 healthy baby for me to keep. If you want to give me more that's great! But just that 1 is all I need to make me complete. I will pray, every day, until it happens. That's all I can do for now. Pray.