Gianna's Birth Story - Take 1

So, it has taken me almost 7 months after the birth of my daughter to finally get on here and write something. For those of you i used to talk to frequently, I apologize. Things were so rough while I was pregnant with her and afterwards they only got worse, in a way.

I ended up going C-section, like I had imagined for about half the pregnancy. It was apparently inevitable. I don't know how to explain it but I never had that 'vision' of having her vaginally. I never imagined pushing her out. I don't know why. It was just not in the cards for how I saw things going I guess. With all the sickness and pain maybe down inside I wanted the 'easy way out' of childbirth. Not that a cesarean is an easy thing to get thru but you all know what I meant. Anyway, on to the story...

My last couple appts at the dr yielded little if nothing in the world of progression. Finally the day before my 40 weeks was here, I had opened up just a tiny bit. I was over the moon and he he sent me in for the start of my induction. Dun Da Da Duuu! (Or however you write that announcement ;)

As much as I didn't want the induction and knew it would probably end in my demise of a cesarean, I went for it anyway. The pain I felt from the SPD was actually worse than the Pitocin if you can believe that. And that S**T was horrible!!! Getting there... Hang on.

I was sent to the hospital that night for ripening with Cervadil. I was told that this could speed up dilation and effacement and I could even have the baby that night! Of course my dumb little ass was thinking happy thoughts after I heard this. A smack was necessary at that point. Well needless to say I went all night with NOTHING and when the dr came in that morning to check it was no surprise. He just shook his head and proceeded to break my water.

After he did this EXTREMELY painful procedure he announced that baby had 'poopied' in the water and we would have to have her suctioned as soon as she was out to avoid risk of infection. Of course this put my heart in my throat. After all, there was no more room in my stomach ;)

Round 1. The start of awesome fricktastic things that would open the gate to the rest of the day. I think everyone is catching on to how fantabulous my labor went... Can ya?? Huh? Huh?? Yeaaaaaaaaa.... So, I was reassured that baby would be fine but they wouldn't let me go over 24 hours because it would put her at risk. And the countdown begins!

Pitocin drip was started and the glorious pain of 5 minute long contractions with about 35 seconds reprieve in between was under way. Someone just kill me. I had laid, sat and suffered in that more than ridiculously uncomfortable hospital bed all night with my already intense SPD pain and now this. I think I got thru 3 hours of the drip before I was asked if I saw an epidural in my future. Annnnnnnnnnnd my answer after 4 times of the nurse reducing the drip because my 'contractions are so close together' (um hmm) was YES! I felt like I could go a lot longer but figured why? at this point. I can't move to make them lessen because of all the pain my pelvis was in and they are obviously only going to get worse.

This too was something I had foreseen not going as planned. I had an epidural administered when I was 19. I was in a rear-end accident and have a buldging disc as a result. The drs thought an epi would numb me up, for a while at least, to give me some relief from the pain. Needless to say it didn't freakin' work! As soon as I came out of the twilight sleep I was in I was in horrible pain and knew exactly where they had stuck me with there gigantor needle in my spine! I just didn't see this time turning out any better and man was I ever right. They had another nurse come in and 'instruct' me. I say instruct with ' ' because she was a complete biotch and did a bang up job of telling me what to do. Let me back up and mention that I was really, REALLY, worked up over my fear of being awake and having that big ass needle going into my spine. I had been crying and shaking, etc. So you think this lady could have been slightly understanding... She kept telling me to scoot towards the head of the bed and I was really trying but was doing it at my own pace (which apparently was not effing fast enough for her schedule) because of my SPD pain. Well I scoot as high up and as far back as I can and she tells me it's not good enough and I need to scoot back more. Mind you I had nothing to move my damn self back any farther with. She shoves a chair in front of me and says use this to push off of. That would have been swell except for the fact that my 5'1' self had no more leg to reach the chair. So let me get this straight, as she is yelling at me to do this, you want me to scoot forward to scoot back right to where I am now?? Cause that's as far as my short little legs are gonna take me.

Fast forward- I get to a reasonable spot on the bed and they proceed to do they painful jabbing into my spine with their fingers. My husband is trying to talk to me and calm me down and this friggin nurse keeps cutting him off. Really lady?? Up and go somewhere!! They poke me with the numbing needle and then do the epi. I lived, yay for me, lol. So they lay me down and tell me I'll be good to go in 10 minutes. Or so they thought...

OMG

I can NOT believe it has taken me this long to get on here. I have had the biggest urge to write like you couldn't imagine. But... after a very lonely, long and lengthy recovery from having my precious baby girl it just hasn't happened. I am writing this as a prequel so when I have TIME, which is a word I don't see much of lately, I can write like I want to. I had to get on here and let anyone who still 'follows' my blog that I WILL RETURN! =-D

I miss you all and hope everyone is doing wonderful. I still don't know how to write people on here so please CBella if you see this, I JUST got notification of your comment in freaking March! Please let me know how you are! I can't wait to talk to you and everyone else. SOON!!!!

For now, here is a pic of Gigi from recently~~~~~~ Her 6 month pics that I did. Outfit - courtesy of one of my best friends.

Finally the End...

I know it's been forever since I've updated and for that I apologize. My intentions have been better than my actions. I've just been so worn down with trying to survive the days with the pain and sickness being so much worse. Mentally it's killing me.

I think I last reported, besides with my whining over the pain, at my 35 week appt. Since then things have been a struggle. Yes, a bigger one than the last 30 weeks. The pain has increased to the most intolerable level imaginable now that baby girl has slipped down into my pelvis completely.

I went in for my 37 week check-up hoping for nothing but good news about dilation and effacement only to walk out in pain and tears of disappointment. The dr couldn't even reach my cervix. That meant no progress whatsoever and not ONE step closer to the end of this suffering.

I kept some hope for my next appt only to be slammed even harder into the ground by the same thing. She was still so high up that nothing could be touched. No stripping, no chance for that 39 week induction that I was praying for. This all meant I had to make it another week and at this point I feared another after that. I grew numb. I gave up hope and started pondering a cesarean because it seemed like it may be my only option.

I started giving up all hope and the thoughts were taking their toll. The pain I was experiencing was too much. I just didn't have it in me to to keep going. What the hell was I going to do?

Well it seems that giving up for me is key... When I finally gave up with trying to get pregnant we got the most incredible surprise - My little miracle Gianna. It seems in order to get anywhere I need to lose all hope in things. Isn't that ironic??

Well my 39 week appt went much better to say the least. I had been having cramping and back pain for the last few days and apparently it was a sign of progress :) Cervix is finally coming down and I was at 1.5 cm! You would think the news would make me respond in some ridiculously happy way but I was literally so numb going into it that it didn't even hit me. We discussed my options - I now had options! The plan of action is to see me on Monday, if I make it that long, and induce Tuesday if I did. I was hoping that wouldn't be the case but here it is Monday morning at 1am and no baby. So it looks like I will be inducing on my due date first thing tomorrow morning.

It finally hit me after the appointment tho. I got outside and had this weight lifted off my shoulders and I felt this sense of 'FREE'. I smiled :) It was followed by this deep sense of "OMG this is finally happening. I'm finally going to have this baby and finally be a mother." I had and still have no clue what to do with these emotions I'm feeling and they intensify everyday. I thought that for the last 9 months I would have felt this way, afterall, I have been pregnant this whole time right?? I guess from being almost there so many times before that the end of things was never something I was able to feel.

I'm going to be a mommy. It still seems surreal for me but now it's hitting home that it's going to happen. I still don't understand how to handle these emotions but as the days have crept closer and the reality becomes stronger, all I can think is 'wow'. I'm going to see this child. Alive. Moving. Her skin will be pink and her body chubby. She will breathe her first breath. She will cry. I will be able to look into her eyes and see her face. For the first time I get to see my child's face. It's so much more than I can imagine. It feels so sweet and it's not even mine yet. But it will be this time. This time I get what I've struggled for so many years for. My suffering has not been for nothing. I gave every ounce of strength I had to reach this point for something wonderful and it was not done in vain. And when I know the time is here I will give every last bit of me to bring her into the world. To be mine. My own little piece of wonder and joy. Something I've always been so far away from. Finally the End is mine :)

O and btw I've gotten huge! =D

35 week appt update

Had my Group B strep test done today (yuck! lol). And my first cervical check. Nothing of course, why would I be so lucky. Well they are saying that our little chubb monster is around 6 lbs 9 oz. Yea... at 35 weeks I just about had a heart attack. Do the math and she will be 9 lbs by my due date! Is this for real?! My concern has now been turned up a notch but the dr said they don't give it a second thought unless she's at the 95th percentile and lil miss is only, ONLY *rolling eyes, at the 84th.

I'm praying that they are off by at least a lb and that baby girl is just super chubby and not super HUGE! I've already given up all hope for a natural birth because of the SPD but am I going to be able to get this kid out if she is indeed going to be that big??? It's making me cringe I have to admit lol. Let's just hope she comes out soon huh... Glad I didn't buy any newborn sized clothes because it's not looking like she'll be at all on the small side of things.

Then again they were a lb off with my nephew so maybe we will have the same luck! He was thought to be 7.2 at his 37 week appt and came out a tiny 7 lbs even after 39 weeks. Here's to hoping!!!!!!!!

35 weeks

PAIN!! Plz be over soon

Here I go complaining for the millionth and 1 time... Sorry girls.
Ever since baby dropped in my late 31st week I have been in quadruple the amount of pain I was in previous. Let's just say I was already suffering before so if there's any real way to explain my situation now it's #&)&)_%!&)*_!&)&@_#!!!!!!!!!! Walking is barely an option anymore. Sitting... sigh... I move around more than a stripper on stage. Laying, HA! That's about all I have to say about that. It's the worst, most painful thing you can possibly do with SPD. Trying to turn over feels like someone put hooks in your pubic parts and is pulling you by them. You can't put a pillow between your legs (to help with my slipped disc problem) because any more separation of the pubic bones than absolutely necessary makes the pain worse.
How else can I try to describe it??? It feels like your pelvic bone is broken in a few pieces and you aer being forced to live without having them heal. The ligaments are mush and nothing, literally nothing, is holding your weight or the baby's extra weight. Gravity is your enemy. Even getting in the pool doesn't help like you'd think because the water makes your tummy bouyant and pulls the belly up away from the pubic part which is painful. And getting out of the water feels like your bottom half is made of solid lead and the world is trying to push your pelvis 10 feet into the ground.
Needless to say I'm not getting a lot of sleep and I cry several times a day because it's just so frustrating to be in this kind of pain all day and not being able to relieve it. Even tho warm water helps; tanding in the shower and sitting in the tub is painful. The heating pad offers little; mostly just sweat. Sitting on my stay ball has even become uncomfortable because baby beats up the pubic parts anytime I'm not completely stretched out. It's become difficult to sit with. She is very low and feels lodged in the bones which she hits a lot. Her kicks have become extremely powerfull also and I cringe all day long from those too.
I am not cut out for this. I hate it that I can't enjoy being pregnant like I should. I have to face facts; God did not have a very good mold for me when he gave me a uterus and said this one will be a girl. It shouldn't surprise me too much I guess. My mother had horrible pregnancies and my kid sister followed in her footsteps both times now. It has been somewhat comforting to share this with my sister tho. She has been horribly sick and has had the SPD for a while now too. All I can say is I know it will be over soon but it doesn't feel like soon enough right now. Baby #2 is not going to be planned for quite some time :(

Just a hello and a little dilema

In the last couple weeks baby seems to have lowered herself into my nether regions. She's become extremely powerful and her 'pushing' on the tummy is becoming pretty uncomfortable. I can now breathe easier which is nice, but the cervical pressure is awful. The low back pain has become constant and the pelvic pain has definitely been turned up a notch or two. Baby girl has also been hitting my pelvic bone a lot which isn't a fun feeling.

Wow I wish I had something better to report. I guess this is more of a vent for the new things that have been happening. I'm really hoping that her recent movement is a sign for a quick future. I would give a lot for her to make her debut in about 4 weeks but I know she will come when she's ready. Needless to say, mommy is ready.

I am trying to get Nick on the bandwagon to understanding my need for labor support. I can tell he's not completely ok with having someone he doesn't know there when our baby is born. I am going to rent The Business of Being Born for him to watch so maybe he can see and hear it from a different perspective. The last thing I want is for him to be uncomfortable for the biggest moment of his life. But I really need someone there that 'gets it'. I need the attention that he's not educated enough to give me. I need someone who has been thru it all before. A girl. A voice of reason so I can focus on me and my body instead of everything around me.

I was very confident about getting thru labor naturally before I had such a rough past 8 months. Now, I need that confidence to come from someone else when I lose it. I know at this point I will be very worn out and quick. I haven't been able to exercise and prepare my body for what it will be facing. My SPD has limited me to less than routine activities and being sick has made me not want to think about anything else but making that go away. I need this and I wish I could get him to understand that. I know that from talking to him about my needs is not getting thru to him. When I tell him what a doula does he gives me the blank stare. When I tell him they help me birth the baby he acts like I just said I was going to hop on a plane to Hawaii. He's a man and doesn't get it. I just wish he would try to get this.

O the list of worries that seem to be piling up on me... I know I can't please everyone but I need to do what's good for me and baby too.

My Perfect Wedding Day :)

My wedding day turned out to be absolutely perfect! I couldn't have asked for a better day. After a horrible start to the day, the downward spiral finally turned around and the dark cloud disappeared. I forgot everything. My hair comb for my veil, the necklaces I was supposed to give my bridal party to wear, my personalized cake topper even! I made my bouquets in the hotel last minute after my hair and make-up were done. My mom, sister and I filled the table favors with mints. It was all insane. And to top things off I was almost 2 hours late getting there. Took a 'wrong turn' and had to back track. I was almost in tears on the way there. But then I got a text that the soon-to-be hubs was just picking up the cake! Haha.
So I finally get there and put my dress on in the parking lot! Yep, I did it lol. By the time everyone was settled and we knew Nick was in place everything just came together. I mean what was really left to screw up after that? ;) Anyway, I didn't think I'd feel the nervous jitters but I got them right after the flowers girls started walking. It was a great feeling. I think if you don't have that then there's no excitement to the moment or the whole meaning of the amount of devotion you are about to give. I don't remember that feeling so much with my first husband. I don't know what to think of that... Also, only about half the number of people I thought would be there were. So I drove myself insane worrying about accomodating everyone when I didn't need to. Grrr.
I will say that the vows my aunt (she married us) created could not have been said better. She made me cry and even Nick!!!! I was in awe over this. They were very personal and very deep. Not the traditional lines or anything anyone has ever heard before. They were really awesome. Our kiss was pretty great too! It felt a lot more emotional than anything we shared in a long time. After that we did tons of photos and very much enjoyed doing them which is unusal for Nick. I had one of my best friends fly all the way from North Carolina to be my photographer! Dawn and her husband are one of the top notch professionals in their area and I couldn't have asked for a better gift. It was amazing to meet her finally. We met years ago on What To Expect and share so much in common. It was an absolute joy to meet her little miracle Greyson. He was just too cute and such a wonderful baby. I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to have them there and so thankful that she would have offered such a thing to us. I can't say enough great things about them. I miss them. A lot! I never thought I could form a bond so strong just through chatting on the internet and phone. When they got here it was like I had known them forever. I can't wait to spend time with them again. I was a little heart broken when they had to leave.
On top of all her wonderful givings, she did a maternity shoot for me while she was here. The couple pics she gave me to tide me over until she has time to go through all the others are so breath taking. I was, and still am, absolutely speechless at how beautiful she made me and made me feel. I'll post a few pics of the wedding and then make another post for the maternity shoot. I can't wait to see all the gorgeous photos from 2 very special days. I can't thank her enough for what she has done and being the kindest, sweetest person I've ever known.
On an end note... things have been really great for a while now after our big day. My new husband seems a little more caring and loving. He has been a little less cranky even on his 20 hour work days. It's nice to have a piece of him back that I thought I lost. I know now that things will be even better once our daughter is here. That is a moment I simply cannot wait for; when I get to see him hold his baby girl for the first time. I know he's going to cry like a little girl and it's a memory that will stick in my mind forever =]

30 week update

Well honestly there is not much to say. I know everyone is sick of hearing me complain and I don't blame you one bit! I'm sick of hearing me too. It just really stinks to be so miserable :(
But my bestie has told me that the belly suits me so I'm thankful for her lol. Here's my 'huge' belly at 30 weeks. The one that is apparently carrying more than 1 baby that I don't know about ;)


My nausea and vomiting seem to be coming back with a mission. I have been doing pretty well with it for the last month. My weight has stayed steady at 215 for the last 3 weeks or so until this week, I dropped 4 lbs. I should be happy about it, but of course my first emotion was concern. My appetite has decreased a lot and we're back to nothing sounding appealing. I feel like I was lied to when someone told me pregnancy was all about eating and enjoying eating lol. I feel jipped! I'm back to thinking about my first meal after she is born. I am happy to say tho that I've only gained about 12-14 lbs. My heart burn has gotten more frequent. Nothing seems to set it off but cereal is my only savior when it comes to getting me thru the night and back to sleep.

Sleep. That's a whole nother story. More like a night mare as it is probably the most unenjoyable time for me. Laying down is so painful and even more uncomfortable. I can no longer prop myself up because the pelvic pain is too intense. Therefore the heart burn really seeps up the pipes. The pelvic pain I can't even put in words. I just have to stare at the floor and shake my head. The sleep is sparse and makign the fatigue incredible on top of the regular 3rd trimester joys. The hernia, thankfully, has not gotten worse. There's one plus, if you can call it that. My back pain has increased with the weight and size of the belly. This includes the sciatic pain. The blows from baby girl have become pretty uncomfortable and even painful at times. My feet are swollen a good portion of the time. The RLS adds to the no sleep. The bladder kicks are painful. Feels like a horrible UTI. I have my first stretch mark starting and I'm hoping it doesn't get too bad and that I dont' get too many more. I've done real well so far tho. 7 months before it showed it's ugly self. I have at least 3 cavities, my face is starting to break out and my hair needs to be washed 2x a day. I'm sure I'm forgetting things but now I'm too tired of complaining to even write anymore about them!

So there is part of my book that I will one day write. It'll be called "The Truth About Pregnancy - what they don't tell you in health class" HA HA. I keep saying I would be the perfect person to keep teens from getting pregnant! Let's just face it; I wasn't built like the Duggar woman!! And needless to say, I'm very ready to meet my little girl. But not too soon. I'd be ok with another 7 weeks, 8 if she must lol. I am just praying I don't go over my 40. Please!

On a happy note... I'm getting married in less than 10 days!! I'm super excited as we've tried to plan this before and had to put it off. I went overboard with things and hurt us a bit financially but I knew I'd regret another quicky wedding. I feel like I've been given a second chance to do it and I wanted to do it better this time. Guests, a cake, the whole deal. It just didn't stay as small or as inexpensive as I planned. I will just be adding it to my 'Make up to Nick one day' list lol. I'm so lucky to have him and so thankful that he gives me everything. It may come with a smart-ass, sarcastic mouth at times but that's the least I can expect for giving me so much lol. He's good to me when it matters most and that's enough to know how much he loves me :) Can't wait to post pics!

To everyone who comments...

I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who leaves me comments. I do not know how to thank you when you leave them, so I wanted to make sure you knew how much I appreciate it :) It makes me so happy to know that there are girls that still care so much that they follow my blog. I wish I wrote more like I had intended but I have been miserable.
I knew pregnancy would never be 'easy' for me but I never fathomed it would be this hard for me either :( But I wouldn't give up ONE second of it if it meant losing my sweet, perfect baby girl! I would do this again and so much more. (But please God don't take that as me saying I can take more because I really, reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllyyyyyyy can't lol).
Again everyone, I just wanted you to know that I appreciate the time you take to read about my baby girl and I. I hope everyone is doing wonderful. Big hugs and kisses!

Halloween Fun!

I just had to post pics of my Halloween 'costume'! I have always wanted to be pregnant for Halloween because I always admired the belly paintings. Finally I had the opportunity to paint my huge belly lol :) O and I included pics of the hubs costume too just because it's so neat!
Let me know what you all think!!

I'm a lady bug! =D (the pumpkin is too traditional)



My hubby the Henchman

Baby Shower

So... I had the most wonderful baby shower because of my mom. She went totally out of her way and bought baby girl so many things I can't even begin to name them! She really went completely out for me and her granddaughter and I'm so thankful for her.
I was really let down by some friends and family tho. I was upset that no one but a select few had the decency to call my mom and RSVP to let her know if they would be coming or not. My family wasn't there. My grandfather got sick last minute and my aunt and uncle just had better things to do. My aunt Barb and aunt Mary were there and that meant a lot. It was disappointing to know how few friends I have. It seems that everyone who would have truely made the effort is hundreds of miles away :(
The few family and my one friend who did attend made it very worth it tho. I'm thankful to have these people in my life and in Gianna's life. Grandma outdid herself. Thank you Grandma!
I never thought I would make it this far and the feeling is just too much. I made it to my own baby shower this time! What a day for me =D

Oct 16th


her adorable cake
my favorite outfit and shoe set
just a happy moment :)
loved these little soft socks

My baby has a chance at life!

24 weeks! This means my little girl would have a good chance of surviving if she were to be born. It has got to be the most comforting feeling in the world besides hearing all her tests were negative and she is healthy. Now we know our healthy baby can actually make it home. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can relax even more than I was trying to before.
On another wonderful note: Daddy finally felt her kick! 9/27. He had seen the kicks a few days earlier and I was surprised she gave him a hard enough one because she is going thru another quiet and growing phase. She is really active for a few days and then gets quiet for a few more. I feel little nudges and rolls but no really strong kicks. Then out of nowhere she gets really active and kicks like a crazy baby! This is the only part I'm going to miss about being pregnant. It hasn't been an easy or totally enjoyable ride and I plan on spending a lot of time with our little nugget when she's here.
I have been having some sugar problems (at least that's what I think they are). I'm hoping to pass my glucose tolerance test in a couple weeks. Thinking my hypoglycemia has become sensitive after months of puking and hormones. I am praying that I don't get gestational diabetes. Scares me and I so have enough problems :( I still can't wait till Jan gets here and she is ready to come out. I'm very anxious to have her here and to feel like a normal person again. I love you baby but I'm very ready to meet you so don't get too comfy in there.
Me at 24 weeks =D

23 week update

My last ultrasound check-up I think for awhile was this past Tuesday. It was the most amazing thing! The tech was super nice and gave us a really nice session with the baby. She even gave us some 3D prints to take home that are just the coolest.


It was very emotional for me, more than usual anyway. I cried like a baby when I saw her moving. She was doing all kinds of cute stuff and we even got to see her wiggle her piggies. It was all precious. Chunky butt weighs in at 1 pound 7 ozs already! Hope this isn't a prelude to how big she is going to be at birth lol. I'm hopinh for something in the 7 pound range and daddy thinks he's funny to pool in her weight with 8 pounds! So NOT funny daddy! The dr said that all is going great and we can stop worrying. This will probably be my last u/s for a long time unless they want to check on baby again. I am so thankful for all the time and attention they have given to my sweet girl. Finally someone takes my little bundle seriously after all my losses and heart ache. It's sad that I had to lose my son for them to pay close attention to me but I appreciate him even more for that. So as mommy, I will try to enjoy the rest of my time with Gianna as much as I can. At least I can relax about things.

Although the enjoyment part may have to come after she's born. Mommy is still puking and the nausea is still bad at times. The bloody noses, headaches, boob pain, heart burn, tummy stretching and general feeling of uncomfort are relentless. To top it off I have a pretty nasty sinus cold, courtesy of the hubs being around germy people at his day time job. I also would put money on it that I have at least three cavities. I've only ever had one my whole life and have always taken good care of my teeth. And everyone knows how awful tooth aches are. I also still have immense pain in the groin and my hips are still out of whack. The pain of lying in bed at night is intolerable. Needless to say I am very anxious to meet this little lady already, but not too soon :) Looking forward to next week very much!!

20 weeks! Halfway to the finish line!!

I can not believe how far we've come. I am 20 weeks! I NEVER thought I would make it this far and if I could physically do it I would jump up and down.
Other than being amazingly happy about our halfway mark I hate to report I am still puking and having a lot of nausea. It has gotten a lot better but man oh man I really wish it would go the hell away already. I also have a horrible pelvic problem. It started when I first got pregnant around 6 weeks. I had this awful pulled-muscle feeling in... well... my vajayjay area lol. Come to find out it was a condition called PSD or Pubis Symphasis Dysfunction and would only get worse because nothing was done about it. So as the days go on it hurts more and more to sit, stand, walk, lay down... pretty much do anything. My pelvis is separated and the ligaments that hold everything together are mush. I have very little support and the bigger the baby gets the worse the pain will be. I'm hoping to find a way to manage it on my own since the drs don't want to listen or be bothered about this. Thank God I have my WTE girls and have found that I am not the only one who has had this before. I knew I wasn't crazy before but thankfully I have some back up to this haha.
I am up about 2 or 3 lbs which I think is great for 20 weeks. It never stays up or down because the vomiting makes it flucuate alot. But for now we are doing good about that. the kicks and moves have gotten stronger and much more frequent. I am loveing every single second of feeling her move!! It's just amazing and they even startle me when she gives me a really good pop! It's so much fun to try and figure out what is her arm, feet, head, etc. I just really can't wait till her daddy can feel her. We have to work on that lol. All in all things are fantastic and I couldn't be more thankful for my little girl :)

18 week update

So we had our secondary round of screening tests; my triple screen. And I am the happiest person in the world to say that every single one came back a 1:5,000 chance. She is perfectly healthy and she will be meeting us in 22 weeks! (give or take lol). Our level II came back perfect too. She is measuring exactly 18 weeks and has been on target at every visit. She is also weighing in well according to their estimates. She's a little over 8 oz. It's amazing that we lost our little B at this stage and he was so incredibly small at just 1.2 oz. I can only imagine how he would have looked if he was her size now. It's been very bittersweet.
I had a horrible panic attack when it hit me that we lost B just a day before and I had this overwhelming feeling of "I'm going to lose my little girl". I felt like if something horrible was going to happen that moment right there was going to be it. Once I calmed down and could breathe again I had to tell myself that he's not going to let anything happen to his little sister. We are already so much farther with testing and her size that it seemed silly to be upset at all. But when I thought about my little boy I just died a little. It's so hard to be joyous and excited about Gianna when I miss my baby boy so much. But I know I need to give her all of what I couldn't give him and now everyday I try to put that into how I feel. She deserves me to be the happiest mommy ever. She is giving me everything that I lost with Beldon and I need to be thankful for that and not dwell on my loss.
And a HUGE P.S. - I felt my first kicks after my appt!!!!!!. I think that was GiGi was telling mommy she was there and that she was ok :)

PINK or BLUE?!?!?!

Well since I've been a HUGE slacker... everyone already knows that we are team PINK! We are having a baby girl and couldn't be more excited. Of course we just wanted a perfectly healthy baby above all but there is always a little wish for a boy or girl. I think your personality and dreams sometimes just push you towards a certain sex. Nick and I always talked about pink, pink, pink and girl, girl, girl but I realized when we found out our little Beldon was in fact a boy, that the sex really didn't matter. We would've given anything to make that baby ok and keep him to love as our first born. The disappointment in gender definitely disappeared when we had Beldon with us.
But like I said, we are elated to be having a daughter!!! Her name will be Gianna Marie and daddy and I call her GiGi (or miss GiGi) for a nickname. I will totally admit I like girl clothes better than boy clothes and I'm so thrilled I get to buy frilly dresses :) My biggest joy will be seeing Nick with his baby girl. I know he will be so protective of her and it means so much to me because I never had that from my father. I adored him but he wasn't my protector and I want my little girl to have that more than anything. A mother to be there to talk about boys and girl problems that only a mommy understands, but a father to play rough with and to teach her all about football and cars and fishing. I want her to be into everything possible and luckily that was something I did get from my father. There is just nothing sweeter in the world for a mother to witness than a daddy and his baby girl wrapped safely in his big arms. I cry just thinking about it.

Our baby is H.E.A.L.T.H.Y!!!!!!!!!!!

H.E.A.L.T.H.Y.- The only word I've ever wished for with every single piece of my heart and soul. It has finally come true. The thought that I may actually get to bring my baby home is overwhelming!
I will not see the dr for another week or so but the test results came back with NO FLAGS! This means I did not screen high risk for anything. I should be throwing the biggest party in the world, I know, but this was just the top of the hill. I still have to make it all the way down without falling. They will do one more set of tests in a few weeks and then a detailed u/s. If we clear these 2 humps I cannot imagine any reason I will not hear the cries of my newborn baby in less than 6 months :) Everyone has told me to sit back, relax and just enjoy the rest of this, but until that baby is safe in my arms sitting back is not an option. Relaxing? Well I'm going to try to do a little more of that. I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my mind and heart. I feel confident which is something I never felt with Beldon.
After such a long journey it still seems like a far away dream for me to be holding that little bundle. I still can't seem to get it to sink in that I will feel kicks and hiccups in a few weeks. That I will get to see my baby grow and get to know pink or blue! I will get to watch my belly grow and daddy can feel the baby move for the first time. Just writing it out seems like a fantasy. It's been a dream for so long I don't know how to feel any other way about it. Have you ever dreamed about something for so long, something that felt out of reach, and then have it right there in front of your face?? You really just don't know what to do with it! It will hit me soon enough I'm sure but for now I will go to sleep and keep dreaming of the day I get to hold my beautiful, healthy baby in my arms.

July 10th - This day was supposed to be different

It's that day. The day that I was supposed to be begging my little boy to 'come out already'. Beldon's due date was as hard as I expected. I was supposed to be so close to holding my sweet little baby boy and instead a visit to his gravesite must suffice. I thought the urn on the mantle containing my husbands' ashes would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to look at. If only I would have known then that there were much harder days ahead to endure.
I can still picture how I would have painted his nursery; the outfit I would have chosen to bring him home in. I can picture holding him and even imagine the joy that I would have felt when he cried for the first time. I would have picked out his daddy's nose and my long eyelashes. I would have held him close and breathed in his sweet baby smell. I would have watched his father hold him in awe and that single tear roll down his face. I would tell him how much I loved him and how long daddy and me waited for this moment. But all that will remain the dream it always was. I will never get to see my son like that. I will never get to see life in him. Never get to see his eyes open wide or hear his voice. I'll never get to smell his skin or change his diapers. The nevers hurt so much more than I thought.
I held my baby without life for a brief moment. I wish I would have at least gotten to see his face. I wish he had been plump and beige, not thin and red. I can't get over the wishes, the nevers, the cant's. But I thank you sweet baby, for giving me the gift you've given. The wishes, nevers and cant's that I will now get to have will never replace you, but I promise to pour every ounce of love I have for you into this new life. I promise to be a better mother, mentor and friend because of the gift you have given me. The strength to be these things is only because of you. You've given me the greatest gifts in the world. I can never give enough back to you. Mommy loves you and I will never forget one moment I had with you.

12 weeks 2 day appt & update

Today was a very big day for me. I had my NT scan and my screening tests today. I don't get the results back for a week or so and I'll be on pins and needles till then. Even though I know nothing of how the appt went, I got to see my little baby. I got to hear the heart beat and see baby moving. It was a very different experience then with Beldon. Baby looked different and acted different. I just felt different when I saw baby this time. I really think everything will be ok. I think I will get to take this entire ride and get to hold a crying, breathing baby at the end. But until that happens, until I hear those swwet words, it's gonna be a hard week for me.

Just a little bit of how things have been going... I have the spotting again; brown so I have not had any real concern but still want it to go away. It was just here and there a day or two before and this time it's been over a week. Really not happy about not getting any answers about why it's happening either but that's my life. As long as baby is in no danger then mommy will be ok.

The vomiting and nausea have been anything but kind to me. Going on 6 non-stop weeks now. I don't know if I'll get lucky at all and have this end before 9 months is up. All I can do is pray and deal like with everything else. I think I have felt a few flutters but of course Nick says I'm crazy because everything is by the book for him. Can't tell you how mad that makes me. He's so open minded about everything else and then this, which he knows nothing about other than what he's heard, he's a big dummy. Other than that, not too much of anything new to update with. It almost feels 'boring' compared to my last pregnancy lol. But I will take boring anyday!!

Asking for wishes and thought and prayers for nothing but good test results. I know the support I have on here is incredible and I always want everyone to know how much I appreciate it. Can't wait to update everyone with GOOD news soon!

Hyperemesis Gravidarum

The words I never wanted to hear again after watching my kid sis go thru what she did while pregnant with my niece: Hyperemesis Gravidarum. It is the most awful thing I could ever imagine to go thru outside of a disease. My sister was hospitalized over 30 times to get nausea and vomiting meds and fluids to rehydrate her after vomiting non-stop. That's just what the condition is... severe nausea and vomiting during pregnancy.

It seems to have hit me full force at 6 weeks and is only getting worse. I have already made 2 trips to the ER because nothing will stay down. If this goes on for too long it can cause a miscarriage. (The dehydration part.) So naturally I'm toughing it out as much as I can but if anyone has ever had this, you know you can only take so much. It's horrible. I'm completely miserable and I won't lie, I don't want to leave the hospital.

In a nut shell, there is not one second of the day or night that you do not have nausea. Sometimes it's intense enough to vomit and all the other seconds of the day you just don't know if you are going to vomit or not. You are starving but scared to eat. Nauseous but trying to eat for your baby's sake and the sake of the awful hunger pains to go away. You vomit pretty much everything you get down whether it be food or drink. You feel like death and honestly death sounds like your only way out at times.

I don't leave the house unless I have to. I'm never far from my puke bucket or a place to throw up because you never know when it will hit. There is no warning, you just vomit. There is no way to tell sometimes because the nausea is so bad all day that there is no deciphering the difference. This gets so bad for pregnant women that they have support groups just for the condition. Crazy right? It seems to run very high in the family and was so generously passed to me this time around. I thought I had it bad last time when I would get nauseous here and there. Now I'm never not nauseous!

On a good note this last trip... They looked at baby this time and we are measuring not 1 but 2 days ahead now! I don't know if I should be worried with Nick being nearly 10 lbs at birth lol! I guess we will see if this growing streak continues. They admitted me to keep watch for 24 hours which I was not expecting. My potassium was very low so they had to give me supplements for that. I had 3 bags of fluids and nothing to eat for 2 days. That part was awful. A cup of jello and some broth in 48 hours. My stomach was in so much pain.

I'm praying on everything good in the world that this ends after my first trimester. I'm not very faithful in this prayer tho because my mother and sister had it last the entire time. I mean puking while giving birth time. No breaks. No mercy. I must end this to get sick now... Bye.